Mr. Schwartz

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?"

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A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."

He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"

She said, "I think it must be the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?"

"Because," she replied, "I swallowed the first one."

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"Every Pot Has A Lid"

"I'll never find the right guy," I heard the young guest at the wedding shower sigh.

"Don't give up," urged an older woman. "Every pot has a lid."

"Or," a cynical voice behind her offered, "you could just be a skillet."

Source: www.laffadays.com

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*side note* This is exactly how I feel right now.
When I was younger, I thought I was a pot but
now that I am older and wiser (and hmmm bitter?),
I think I just might be a skillet.
More on that some other time...

Hand-Me-Downs

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anudder man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up'"?

Source: www.laffadays.com

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My Birthday Mistake (One Month Later)

Did I happen to mention that I have bald spots all over my head?

BALD SPOTS!!!! 

As if having a big ole forehead wasn't bad enough...

MY HAIRLINE IS OFFICIALLY F**KED!!!!

That means that I have to take biotin pills
and
include scalp massages into my regiment.

I know that some people already include both things in their natural hair care regiment
but this lazy diva is livid!
I hate taking pills and I don't like doing my own scalp massages.
(This is a perfect reason to get a boyfriend. Hmmm.... LOL)

What hurts the most is that my beautiful hair is also damaged.

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Movie List - 2/2012

Any movie that is highlighted should definitely be checked out! Movies that are in bold are considered to be good, but not great.

Movie List - 2/2012


_________


Rescue Me: Seasons 6 & 7
Dream House
In Time
The Big Year
Elizabeth: The Golden Age
The Guard
Flight of the Conchords: Season 1
Cowboys & Aliens
Tiny Furniture
The Way
Wrong Turn 2: Dead End
The Cottage
Heat Wave
Fireflies in the Garden
What's Your Number?
Project Nim
Desert Flower
Community: Season 2
Priest
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel

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