Laws of Life:

* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

~ღ♥ღ~ Don't forget to comment and subscribe! Thanks in advance! ~ღ♥ღ~

A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.

Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.

~ღ♥ღ~ Don't forget to comment and subscribe! Thanks in advance! ~ღ♥ღ~

Do you have Alzheimer's?

If you are over 45-years-old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test.

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?


1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S

*****
Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

You do NOT have Alzheimer's

You are a Pervert.

~ღ♥ღ~ Don't forget to comment and subscribe! Thanks in advance! ~ღ♥ღ~

40th birthday

 On my 40th birthday I waltzed out of my bedroom dressed in an old outfit I dug out of the back of the closet.

"I wore this on my 30th birthday! I guess that means my wardrobe is ten years old," I said to my husband, hoping he'd take the hint and buy me some clothes as a present.

"Or," he offered instead, "it means when you were 30 you had the body of a 40-year-old."

~ღ♥ღ~ Don't forget to comment and subscribe! Thanks in advance! ~ღ♥ღ~

"Every Pot Has A Lid"

"I'll never find the right guy," I heard the young guest at the wedding shower sigh.

"Don't give up," urged an older woman. "Every pot has a lid."

"Or," a cynical voice behind her offered, "you could just be a skillet."

Source: www.laffadays.com

~ღ♥ღ~ Don't forget to comment and subscribe! Thanks in advance! ~ღ♥ღ~

*side note* This is exactly how I feel right now.
When I was younger, I thought I was a pot but
now that I am older and wiser (and hmmm bitter?),
I think I just might be a skillet.
More on that some other time...

Hand-Me-Downs

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anudder man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up'"?

Source: www.laffadays.com

~ღ♥ღ~ Don't forget to comment and subscribe! Thanks in advance! ~ღ♥ღ~

What the Doctor says and what he really means.

What the Doctor says and what he really means.

Doctor: "This should be taken care of right away."

Translation: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

Doctor: "Let me check your medical history."

Translation: I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

Doctor: "We have some good news and some bad news."

Translation: The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

Doctor: "Let me schedule you for some tests."

Translation: I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

Doctor: "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."

Translation: I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

Doctor: "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."

Translation: I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

Doctor: "I'd like to run some more tests."

Translation: I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve it.

Source: www.laffaday.com
~ღ♥ღ~ Don't forget to comment and subscribe! Thanks in advance! ~ღ♥ღ~

5 Toughest Questions For Men

The 5 toughest questions for men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.


Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")


Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?


Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.


Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is always: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty...
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.


Question# 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.

(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette!")

~ღ♥ღ~ Don't forget to comment and subscribe! Thanks in advance! ~ღ♥ღ~

Quickie, anyone?

A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and an attractive young waitress comes for his order. He gives her a smile and says, "I want a quickie."

She turns red in the face and ahems, "Sir, I don't know what kind of restaurant you're used to eating in, but I can assure you you're not going to get a quickie here!"

"How disappointing," the man replied. "Could you ask the chef to make an exception?"

"He doesn't have anything to do with it!" says the waitress indignantly.

"Hmmm, do you know anywhere around here where I could get a quickie?"

"I'm SURE I don't know," answers the waitress loudly.

A patron from the next table leans over and taps the man on the shoulder, "I think it's pronounced QUICHE."

Source: www.laffaday.com
~ღ♥ღ~ Don't forget to comment and subscribe! Thanks in advance! ~ღ♥ღ~

Our six-year-old daughter, Terra, has a need to ask questions...lots of questions. Finally, one day, my wife had it.

"Have you ever heard that curiosity killed the cat?" my wife asked. "No," replied Terra.

"Well, there was a cat, and he was very inquisitive. And one day, he looked into a big hole, fell in, and died!"

Wide-eyed, Terra whispered: "What was in the hole?"

Source: www.laffaday.com

~ღ♥ღ~ Don't forget to comment and subscribe! Thanks in advance! ~ღ♥ღ~

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why on Earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

The husband replied, "They had eggs."

Source: www.laffaday.com
~ღ♥ღ~ Don't forget to comment and subscribe! Thanks in advance! ~ღ♥ღ~

Helpful Tips to Make Life Simple

* Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

* Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

* No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

* Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

* If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Source: www.laffaday.com

~ღ♥ღ~ Don't forget to comment and subscribe! Thanks in advance! ~ღ♥ღ~

"Shame On You"

My 7-year-old daughter came home from school one day, held up her middle finger, and asked me what it meant. I was so shocked that I could say only, "Shame on you," followed by, "If anyone does that to you, just say, "Shame on you" to that person.

Next week we were at the dinner table when my husband let out a huge belch. I reprimanded him by saying, "Shame on you."Imagine my husband's shock when my daughter held up her middle finger, showed it to him, and exclaimed, "Mom, you forgot to give Daddy the 'shame on you' sign.

Source: www.laffaday.com

~ღ♥ღ~ Don't forget to comment and subscribe! Thanks in advance! ~ღ♥ღ~

TEN TOP THINGS NOT TO SAY ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking (and-or sex).

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to do it together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love

Source: www.laffaday.com

~ღ♥ღ~ Don't forget to comment and subscribe! Thanks in advance! ~ღ♥ღ~

A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem.

After the visit the man asks, "How much do I owe you?"

"My fee is five hundred dollars," replies the physician.

"Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that much!"

"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred."

"Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous."

"Well, then, could you afford two hundred?"

"Who has that kind of money?"

"Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just give me a hundred and get out of my office, okay?"

"I can give you fifty," says the man. "Take it or leave it."

"I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?"

"Listen, Doctor," says the patient, "When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive!"

Source: www.laffaday.com

~ღ♥ღ~ Don't forget to comment and subscribe! Thanks in advance! ~ღ♥ღ~

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.

"Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!"Then he got a little panicky.

"I don't remember her," he thought, but MAYBE..during one of the fraternity parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we had a little too much to drink and spent the night together but I never called you again afterward?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's Sunday School teacher."

Source: www.laffaday.com

~ღ♥ღ~ Don't forget to comment and subscribe! Thanks in advance! ~ღ♥ღ~

Curiosity

A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity.

"Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?"

One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "Still in the Garden of Eden?

Source: www.laffaday.com

~ღ♥ღ~ Don't forget to comment and subscribe! Thanks in advance! ~ღ♥ღ~

Need a new doctor?

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one-to-one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two-to-one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - bourbon in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!

~ღ♥ღ~ Don't forget to comment and subscribe! Thanks in advance! ~ღ♥ღ~

Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the bathroom, I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restrooms.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'

And the other person says: 'So what are you up to?

'What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them 'No..I'm a little busy right now!'

Then I hear the person say nervously... 'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

Source: www.laffaday.com

~ღ♥ღ~ Don't forget to comment and subscribe! Thanks in advance! ~ღ♥ღ~

Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer.
Tom walks in, sits down and asks him what the problem is.
"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."

"What kind of question?" asked Tom.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly."

"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," said Eric, "That's what I wanted to do, except I said 'Of course I DO...'"

Source: www.laffaday.com

~ღ♥ღ~ Don't forget to comment and subscribe! Thanks in advance! ~ღ♥ღ~