The Little Sparrow

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who
decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the
weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to head
south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and
he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.

A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow
thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and defrosted
his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by and investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and
promptly ate him.

The moral of the story:

1. Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily
your friend.
3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your
mouth shut.

Best Quotes from Movies/Shows

"It's when you're so afraid of death that you begin to appreciate life" --- Norman Stansfield (Gary Oldman), Leon: The Professional

"After that my guess is that you will never hear from him again. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist. And like that... he is gone." -- The Usual Suspects

"If you can't embrace your imperfections, how can you embrace others'?" --- Nip/Tuck


"We just get the one life, you know. Just one. You can't live someone else's or think it's more important just because it's more dramatic. What happens matters. Maybe only to us but it matters." --- Ghost Town

"I ain't saying drugs are good. But when your past is past and your present sucks and your future holds nothing but broken promises and dead dreams, the drugs'll kill the pain. Listen up, America, you ain't ever gonna get rid of drugs until you cure pain." ---Augustus Hill, Oz

It feels like someone kicked you in the stomach, feels like your heart stopped beating, feels like that dream you know the one when you are falling and you want so desperately to wake up before you hit the ground but its all out of your control, you cant trust anything anymore, no one is who they say they are, your life is changed forever, and the only thing to come out of the whole ugly experience is no one will be able to break your heart like that again." -- The Women (2008)

"I use to think the worst feeling in life was being alone, it's not; it's being with people who make you feel alone." - World's Greatest Dad (2009)

It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great. -- Tom Hanks, A League of Their Own

Everyone has their first date. And the object is to hide your flaws. And then you're in a relationship, and it's all about hiding your disappointment. And then once you're married it's about hiding your sins. -- Dollhouse

"Choosing not to believe in the devil won't protect you from him." - Father Lucas, The Rite

"When it comes to living, dying is the easy part" - Carnivale

Mixed Bag of Quotes 3

"All cruelty springs from weakness" --Seneca

"Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events.
Small minds discuss people." ---E.Roosevelt

"Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and
killing ourselves to get it." --- Don Herold

"There is in every true woman's heart a spark of
heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of
prosperity; but which kindles up, and beams and blazes in
the dark hour of adversity." --- Washington Irving

No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes
it for happiness. -- Mary Wollstonecraft

“A woman is like a tea bag, you can not tell how
strong she is until you put her in hot water.” --Nancy Reagan

"It is easier to forgive an enemy
than to forgive a friend." ---William Blake (1757-1827)

Amazing Symbols Pic

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The Power of CHOICE

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, 'If I were any better, I would be twins!'

He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, 'I don't get it!

You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?'

He replied, 'Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose to be in a bad mood.

I choose to be in a good mood.'

Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.

Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

'Yeah, right, it's not that easy,' I protested.

'Yes, it is,' he said. 'Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.

You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life.'

I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.

I saw him about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied, 'If I were
any better, I'd be twins. Want to see my scars?'

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

'The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter,' he replied. 'Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live.'

'Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?' I asked

He continued, '..the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action.'

'What did you do?' I asked.

'Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,' said John. 'She asked if I was allergic to anything 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'.'

Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.'

He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude... I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.' Matthew 6:34.

After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Source: Unknown

The Mousetrap

What food might this contain?' The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning:

There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!'

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, 'Mr.

Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no

consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it.'

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, 'There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!'

The pig sympathized, but said, I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray.

Be assured you are in my prayers.'

The mouse turned to the cow and said 'There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!'

The cow said, 'Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose.'

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever.

Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.

But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.

To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.

So many people came for her funeral; the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.

We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.

School Picture

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group
picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or
'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's
the teacher...she's dead."

Life

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean,  
life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you  
get in the end of it? Death. What's that...a bonus? I think  
the life cycle is all backwards.  

(1) You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it  
out of the way. You wake up in a an old age home, feeling  
better every day.  

(2) You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect  
your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold  
watch on your first day.  

(3) You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy  
your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, play golf,  
you're generally promiscuous (hey, you've only got a few  
years left, what's the big deal?!?) and you get ready for  
High School.  

(4) Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you  
play, you have no responsibilities, and, finally, you become  
a baby;  

(5) The last step, you spend your last 9 months floating  
peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room  
service on tap, larger quarters everyday, then you finish  
off as an orgasm!  

Source: Unknown

The History of the Middle Finger.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, antici-
pating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the
middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the
middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned
English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of
fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was
made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing
the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a
major upset and began mocking the French by waving their
middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can
still pluck yew!  Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to
say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has
gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus
the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-
salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows
used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as
'giving the bird.'

[I don't believe a word of this, but it's still a fun read.] 

Source: 

http://laffaday.gophercentral.com 

What is you sign?

AQUARIUS You have an inventive mind and are a progressive
thinker. You also lie a lot and are inclined to be careless
and impractical, making the same mistakes over and over.
Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

PISCES You have a vivid imagination and often think you are
being followed by the CIA. You have some influence over your
friends and people resent you for flaunting your power.
Underneath it all you lack confidence and are generally a
coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their
noses a lot.

ARIES You are the pioneer type and have strong leadership
tendencies, but you regard others with contempt. You are
quick tempered, impatient and don't take well to advice.
You are a Melvin.

TAURUS You are down to earth and persistent. You are de-
termined and can work like hell. Most people think that
you are a pig headed not the best. You're probably a
communist.

GEMINI You are quick and intelligent - a thinker. People
like you because you are bisexual, You are also a cheap bar
steward, expecting everything for nothing. Gemini's are
notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER You are extremely sensitive by nature and very
caring. You are a wimp, You are hopeless at making decisions
and that is why you will always be on welfare and you will
never be worth a lot.

LEO Leo people are born leaders but most people think they
are just pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. They are assholes
who break down under honest criticism. Your arrogance is
disgusting. Leo People are thieving bullies who kiss mirrors
a lot.

VIRGO You are the logical type and detest disorder. Nit-
picking makes your friends sick. You are cold and
unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgo's
make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA Librans are lucky in employment and financial matters.
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
reality. If you are male then you are probably queer. Most
Libran woman are whores. All Librans die of V. D.

SCORPIO You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.
You will reach the pinnacle of success because of your
total lack of ethics. You are a perfect Son of a bitch.
Most Scorpio people are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS You are optimistic and enthusiastic with a
reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent.
Most Sagitarians are drunks or pot heads. People laugh at
you a lot because you are always messing things up.

CAPRICORN you are conservative and afraid of taking risks.
You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a
Capricorn of any importance, you should kill yourself.

Source:
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

Job Evaulations

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember,  
it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from  
National government employee performance evaluations:  


1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom   
and has started to dig."   

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."  

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more  
of a definite won't be."  

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like  
a rat in a trap."  

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change   
feet."  

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."  

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails   
to achieve them."   

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."  

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the  
better."  

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it   
all together."  

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary  
ignoramus."  

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."  

13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."  

14. "He's been working with glue too much."  

15. "He would argue with a signpost."  

16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."  

17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."  

18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's  
the other one."  

19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."  

20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."  

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."  

22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train  
isn't coming."  

23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is   
out looking for it."  

24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice   
a week."   

25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."   

26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."  

27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."   

28. "One neuron short of a synapse."  

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." 

30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."  

31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Source: 
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

Ready for Parenthood?

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books
and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for
expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life
experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and
stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months.
After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip
the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the
pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange  
to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home.
Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple
who are already parents and berate them about their methods of
discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels,
and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest
ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits,
toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy
it -- it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all
of the answers.

3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room  
from 5 PM to 10 PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately  
8-12 lbs. At 10 PM put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight,  
and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room  
again, with the bag, until 1 AM. Put the alarm on for 3 AM. As  
you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 AM and make a drink. Go  
to bed at 2:45 AM. Get up again at 3 AM when the alarm goes off.  
Sing songs in the dark until 4 AM. Put the alarm on for 5 AM.  
Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. 

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear  
peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a  
fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.  
Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean  
walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?  

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy  
an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the  
string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for  
this -- all morning. 

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of
paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using
only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas
tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an
empty packet of Cocoa Puffs and make an exact replica of the
Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a
place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a minivan. And don't think you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars
don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it
in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick
it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate
cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along
both sides of the car. There! Perfect!

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an  
hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in.  
Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk  
down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes.  
Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used  
chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace  
your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand,  
until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go  
back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a  
small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times. 

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest
thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat
is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take
more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting  
the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or  
destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even
contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend
it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a
bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the
swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until
half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap,  
making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now
ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends,
Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find
yourself singing "I love you, you love me," at work, now! you
finally qualify as a parent.
Source: 
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com 

New Scams

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What
happens is that when you stop for a red light a young,
nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your wind-
shield. While she is doing this another person opens your
back door and steals anything in the car.

They are very good at this. They got me 3 times last Friday
and twice on Saturday.

I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.

**************************************

A guy is out with buddies and has a few drinks and is
feeling horny but true to his wife, goes home. He finds
her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he
gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.

She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, "What the hell
did you put in my mouth?"

He says, "Two aspirin."

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"

He says, "That's all I wanted to hear."

Source: 
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

Geting Fired

This is a very good reason why bosses should fire their employees at the end of the day and with security close by!!!

HMOs

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the
same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to
require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the
same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an
appointment, then waits eight weeks to see a specialist, then
gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week, and
finally has his surgery scheduled for six weeks from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever.

The second is a Senior Citizen.

Carlin Videos 2

Did I mention how much I love Mr. Carlin? lol Here are some more videos!

On Stuff




On Language




On Saving the Planet




On White people




On the 10 Commandments

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/

George Carlin Videos

In a career spanning a half-century, Carlin's comic routines tended toward social commentary and satire, with a deep and abiding love for the vagaries and peculiarities of the English language and a fearless embrace of the profane. The apotheosis of Carlin's comic mind probably came in the form of his famous "Seven Words You Can't Say On Television" routine. The original routine can be read here. Below, Carlin does a variation. Yeah, it is Not Safe For Work.

Carlin's career took him from the stand up circuit to a television career that spanned four decades and included fourteen HBO specials, including 2008's It's Bad For Ya. He also appeared in over fifteen movies, most notably in the "Bill And Ted" franchise and a handful of late-career appearances in the movies of Kevin Smith. He's won a Grammy Award and was named the second-greatest stand-up comedian of all time by the Comedy Central network, behind only Richard Pryor. Carlin was often a deeply dark, deeply cynical, and deeply accurate observer of human nature. You probably should have listened to him, especially with the AP running a story this weekend with the fatalist headline "Everything seemingly is spinning out of control." His death is an irreplaceable loss.

The Lion and The Gorilla

A lion is drinking from a puddle and his tail is up. A 
gorilla walks up behind him, seizes the opportunity, and 
slips the lion a Liberace. 

The gorilla takes off and the lion takes off after him. 
The gorilla runs into a hunter's camp, jumps into a tent, 
puts on a safari outfit and a pith helmet, grabs a copy of 
The Johannesburg Times, sits down and pretends to read. 

The lion runs into the camp, sticks his head into the tent 
and roars, "Arrgg! Did a gorilla come through here?" 

The gorilla says, "You mean the one that nailed you in the 
ass?" 

The lion says, "You mean it's in the paper already?" 

Source: 
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

George Carlin's Words of Wisdom

"The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but

shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints.

We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment,

more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too

little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too

tired, read too little, watch TV too much , and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.

We've added years to life not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but

have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.

We conquered outer space but not inner space.

We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less.

We plan more, but accomplish less.

We've learned to rush, but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information,

to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small

character, steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality,

one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything

from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.

A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can

choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not

going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because

that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the

only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones,

but most of all mean it.

A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person

will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the

precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,

but by the moments that take our breath away."

George Carlin

http://www.georgecarlin.com/

George Carlin

WE'VE LOST A GOOD MAN!!!

GEORGE DENIS CARLIN DIED ON SUNDAY, JUNE 22, 2008 OF HEART FAILURE AT THE AGE OF 71, IN SANTA MONICA, CALIFORNIA.

HE WAS KNOWN AS A COMEDIAN, BUT I THOUGHT OF HIM AS A GENIUS, WHO WAS NOT AFRAID TO SPEAK THE TRUTH, NO MATTER WHO IT WOULD HURT.

HE SPOKE ON A LOT OF SUBJECTS THAT PEOPLE REFUSED TO ACKNOWLEDGE OR EVEN DISCUSS.

HE WILL FOREVER BE MISSED!!!!

R.I.P. MR. CARLIN!

Wilkinson

"Y'all got any American razor blades in here?" the Texan  
asked the London pharmacist. "All I see are these damn  
Wilkinsons."  

"Sir," the Englishman patiently replied, "Wilkinson has  
been producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons  
and razors since before Waterloo."  

"I don't give a damn if they passed them out on Noah's  
Ark if they ain't any good," the Texan retorted.  

"I can assure you they are very good sir." the peeved  
druggist said. "Why just last year, my wife swallowed  
one. It gave her a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a  
hysterectomy, circumcised the gardener, emasculated a  
neighbor, cut two of a delivery boy's fingers off at the  
knuckle - and I still got 10 shaves out of it." 

Source: 
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

My First Comedy Show

Last night, I attended a free concert in Central Park hosted by Comedy Central.
It featured Steven Lynch and Mike Birbiglia, two hilarious comedians.


Steven Lynch



Mike Birbiglia "I'm a bear, etc."



Two hilarious comedians! You should definitely check them out when you can!
I was shocked that they would give a free show and put these two great comics on it!

Attitude, after all, is everything.

Worth remembering

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, 'If I were any better, I would be twins!'

He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, 'I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?'

He replied, 'Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life'.

'Yeah, right, it's not that easy,' I protested.

'Yes, it is,' he said. 'Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life.'

I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.

I saw him about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied, 'If I were any better, I'd be twins..Wanna see my scars?'

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

'The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter,' he replied. 'Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live.'

'Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?' I asked

He continued, '..the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action.'

'What did you do?' I asked.

'Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,' said John. 'She asked if I was allergic to anything 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'.'

Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.'

He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude... I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.' Matthew 6:34.

After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Source: Unknown

"I'll Help you be less Fat"

Fred Simmons Tae Kwon Do karate school commercial
(Source: FunnyorDie.com)

Commandments

God came down and first he went to the Germans and said, "I have  
Commandments for you that will make your lives better."  

And the Germans asked, "What are Commandments?"  

And the Lord said, "Rules for living."  

"Can you give us an example?"  

"Thou shalt not kill."  

"Not kill? We're not interested."  

So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments."  

And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou  
shalt not steal."  

"Not steal? We're not interested."  

He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."  

The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not  
covet thy neighbor's wife."  

"Not covet my neighbor's wife? We're not interested."  

He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."  

"Commandments? How much are they?"  

"They're free."  

"Great. Can we get 10?"

Source: Laffaday.com

Winter Wonderland

Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
It's yellow, NOT white,
I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee,
It's MY pro-per-ty!
Marking up my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
Following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go man,
So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fencepost,
Flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my TURF,
This small piece of Earth,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Source: 
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

Darwin Awards

(26 May 2006, Malaysia)
A woman found a text message from another woman her husband's
phone. A bitter argument ensued. In a desperate effort to
prove his faithfulness, her 41-year-old husband rushed from
the room and cut off his own penis! In earlier times, he
would have succeeded in ending his reproductive days. But
modern medicine is miraculous. The organ was reattached
by doctors, and the man earns an Honorable Mention for his
heroic, but ultimately unsuccessful, effort to remove himself
from the gene pool.

Mixed Bag of Quotes 2

"If there is light in the soul,
There will be beauty in the person.
If there is beauty in the person,
There will be harmony in the house.
If there is harmony in the house,
There will be order in the nation.
If there is order in the nation,
There will be peace in the world."
--- Chinese Proverb



"May we never let the things we can't have,
or don't have, or shouldn't have, spoil our enjoyment of the things
we do have and can have. As we value our happiness let us
not forget it, for one of the greatest lessons in life is
learning to be happy without the things we cannot or should
not have." --- Richard L. Evans



"Motherhood is the one thing
in all the world which most
truly exemplifies the God-given
virtues of creating and sacrificing.
Though it carries the woman
close to the brink of death,
motherhood also leads her into the very
realm of the fountains of life
and makes her co-partner with
the Creator in bestowing upon eternal
spirits mortal life."- President David O. McKay

11 Things Women Don't Know About Men

11 Things Women Don't Know About Men


1. Getting angry at us for not reading your mind is like getting angry at yourself for not being able to fly. It's not just futile, it's physically impossible.


2. Yes, we do think Jessica Alba is hot. Sometimes we're even dumb enough to admit it.


3. Don't ask us to understand your shoe fetish. Asking us to respect it is even sort of pushing it.


4. You do look good without makeup, just not as good as you look with it.


5. Ever notice how we don't fight with our male friends? That's why we get so frustrated when we fight with you.


6. You care what you're wearing infinitely more than we do. In fact, if you're naked when you open the front door, you won't hear an argument from us.


7. You don't like to get hit on in public, you don't want to date online and you don't want to be set up on blind dates. Tell us if sending messenger pigeons is an appropriate way of courting. Because if it is, we're all over it.


8. There should a statute of limitations on stupid things that we said that can come back to haunt us. I propose 24 hours.


9. Cooking dinner for a man is like buying flowers for a woman, except it takes a lot more time, effort and thought for you to do it. Thanks. We appreciate it.


10. We actually like your girly pet-names for us, but please, not in front of the guys!


11. Just because we like looking at the women in Maxim doesn't mean we want to actually converse with the women in Maxim. Not for long, anyway.


12. Your nice guy friends are the most reliable source for telling you if your new boyfriend's a jerk. And he probably is. (By the way, you might want to consider marrying that nice guy who's giving you advice about the jerk.)


Source: http://dating.personals.yahoo.com

The Curious Case of Benjamin Burton might be on the right path...

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean,  
life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you  
get in the end of it? Death. What's that...a bonus? I think  
the life cycle is all backwards.  

(1) You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it  
out of the way. You wake up in a an old age home, feeling  
better every day.  

(2) You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect  
your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold  
watch on your first day.  

(3) You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy  
your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, play golf,  
you're generally promiscuous (hey, you've only got a few  
years left, what's the big deal?!?) and you get ready for  
High School.  

(4) Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you  
play, you have no responsibilities, and, finally, you become  
a baby;  

(5) The last step, you spend your last 9 months floating  
peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room  
service on tap, larger quarters everyday, then you finish  
off as an orgasm!

AM I GAY?

TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF EXAMINATION

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach,
you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer
with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time
doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is
like a dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never
scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses
its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how
you call a dog... "Killer, come here! Now think about how
you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jezus,
you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or
any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A
straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw
oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything
else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably
a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss
in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship.
A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates
where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you pro-
bably like a high hard one in the pooper chuter. A straight
man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte". If
you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man
there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or
four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie,
you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man
doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that
crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a
"fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of
textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you
are dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands
on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the ass-
hole off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change
the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, scratch
his balls, or play with his broad's tits.

Source: 
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

Testing your smarts!

The following small quiz consists of 4 questions. It tells
whether you are qualified to be a professional. Around 90%
of the professionals failed the exam.

Questions:

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is open the refrigerator, put in the
giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you
are doing simple things in a complicated way. 

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant
and close the refrigerator. Correct Answer: Open the
refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and
close the door. This tests your prudence.  


3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals
attend except one.  Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant!...It's still in the
refrigerator! This tests whether you have comprehensive thinking.  


OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly,
this one may be your last chance to testify your qualifications
to be a professional.



4. There is a river, which is infested by crocodiles. How do you
manage to cross it?

Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles
are attending the Animal Meeting! I hope you got this one
correct at least!  

The Man Code

THE MAN CODE

This is it. So it has been written, so it shall be....The CODE


*Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

*Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be
legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

*When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother,
father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker,
you need not and should not provide any useful information
whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny
his very existence.

*Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you
must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

*You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent
without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is
allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up
a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).

*If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister
is off-limits forever.

*The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy
who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required
to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on
the classic 1-10 babe scale.

*Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies
refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature
is unsuitable.

*No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is
strictly optional and slightly gay.

*Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that
your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should
you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex
with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at
your bachelor party.

*Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his
permission and he in return is required to grant it.

*Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated
as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the
ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

*If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem--you didn't
see nothin'.

*The universal compensation for buddies who help you move
is beer.

*A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

*When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event,
you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you
may never ask who's playing.

*It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only
when you're sunning on a tropical tropical beach... and it's delivered
by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

*Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

*A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman
must remain sober enough to fight.

*If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to
fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the
last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this
guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and
enjoy.

*Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight
lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

*Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice
of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

*If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be
referring to his beer.

*Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except
when she's withholding sex pending your response.

*Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal
footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all
other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

*If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car,
you may not join him...too gay.

Source: laffaday.com

Psalm 129

A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road  
he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got  
in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal  
a leg.  

The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing  
gear lets his hand slide up her leg. She immediately says  
"Father remember psalm 129."  

The priest apologizes profusely and removes his hand but is  
unable to remove his eyes from her leg.  

Further on when he changes gear and has oggled at her leg for  
the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again.  
The Nun once again says "Father remember psalm 129."  

Once again the priest apologizes "Sorry sister but you know  
the flesh is weak."  

Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes  
on his way.  

Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks  
up psalm 129 it said: "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL  
FIND GLORY".  

Source:
 http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

Men die first

Why do men die first?

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries,
but, now we know...

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her
from the rat race...  you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework .. you're a pansy.

If you work too hard... there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough... you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay... this is
exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay... you
should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her... that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you... it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks... it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet... it's male indifference.

If you cry ... you're a wimp.
If you don't... you're insensitive.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear...
you're a pervert.
If you don't... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape...
you're sexist.
If you don't ... you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape... you're vain.
If you don't... you're a slob.

If she has a headache... she's tired.
If you have a headache... you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often... you're oversexed.
If you don't... there must be someone else.

Bottom Line... Men die first because they want to.  

Source:
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

Gas

Jay Leno: "After the war, the plan is to divide Iraq into three
parts ... regular, premium, and unleaded."

My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for our
anniversary, so I took her down the street to
the Sunoco station.

I have my car towed to work because it's cheaper than buying gas.

All in favor of conserving gasoline, please raise
your right foot.

I saw a guy on the street corner, holding up a hat
and a sign that said, "Wife and 2 Cars to Feed."

For our vacation this summer, we're thinking it will
be cheaper to just mail the car.

Jay Leno: "At the gas station near my house they have a
slot on the pump for your credit card, and one right next
to it for your 401-K."

Source: 
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

Mixed Bag of Weird Facts

The Amish have a diet high in meat,
dairy, refined sugars and calories.
Yet obesity is virtually unknown
among them. The difference is since
they have no TVs, cars or powered
machines, they spend their time in
manual labor.

Approximately 70 percent of the earth is covered by water.
Only 1 percent of this water is drinkable.

The term "The Big Apple" was coined by touring
jazz musicians of the 1930's who used the slang
expression "apple" for any town or city. Therefore,
to play New York City is to play the big time - The
Big Apple. There are more Irish in New York City
than in Dublin, Ireland; more Italians in New York
City than in Rome, Italy; and more Jews in New York
City than in Tel Aviv, Israel.

Shoes all over the world were identical until the nineteenth
century, when left- and right-footed shoes were first made
in Philadelphia.

The English language

For Those who Reed and Right 
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; 
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. 
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, 
yet the plural of moose should never be meese. 
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; 
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. 

If the plural of man is always called men, 
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? 
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, 
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? 
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, 
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? 

Then one may be that, and three would be those, 
yet hat in the plural would never be hose, 
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. 
We speak of a brother and also of brethren, 
but though we say mother, we never say methren. 
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, 
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim. 

Let's face! it! - English is a crazy language.

Funny Quotes

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
---Anonymous

"There is no problem so big or complicated that it can't be run away from."


Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
--G.K. Chesterton

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds
that I don't know the answer." ---Douglas Adams

"You shouldn't compare yourself to others -

they are more screwed up than you think." --Anonymous

"To those of you who received honours, awards and
distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students,
I say you, too, can be president of the United States." ---George W. Bush

"You can fool some of the people all the time,
and those are the ones you want to concentrate on." --- George W. Bush

"I think gay marriage is something that should be
between a man and a woman." ---Arnold Schwarzengger

"I deserve someone who likes me
for who I am pretending to be."
---Arj Barker

"I can't believe she said I was a liar. Sure I make random stuff

up, but I'm not a liar." ---Overheard at Starbucks

Leave Shyness Behind

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?  
Do you suffer from shyness?  
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?  

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor  
or pharmacist about Tequila. Tequila is the safe, natural way  
to feel better and more confident about yourself and your  
actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let  
you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just  
about anything.  

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and  
with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles  
that prevent you from living the life you want to live.  

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, (well  
shyness anyway) and you will discover many talents you never  
knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.  

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant  
or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't  
mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.  

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting,  
incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss  
of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of  
grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and  
a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip  
Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.  

Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.

Source: 
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

Brainwashed

What is my favorite number? 3... Actually to be precise it's 3, 6, 9, 12, 15, 18, 21, 24, 27, 30..... lol

Everyone is always asking me why 3 is my favorite number but I could never remember why.
Finally after spending some time on Youtube watching MadTv spoofs, I came upon my favorite number and the reason why I love the number 3 and it's consecutive numbers so much.

I thought, similar to everyone else, that it was because I was so "special/original". But the real answer is that it's all because of Schoolhouse Rock. THREE IS A MAGIC NUMBER!!!! I knew I got it from somewhere! lmao

I must have been old enough to remember the song and I quickly learned the 3 times table.



I feel so programmed..... should I change my favorite number? I would have to change all my passwords and what not. I don't want to start over.

Three is a magic number. Just like my favorite color purple is majestic! Every little girl thinks she is a princess, so of course, I deserve to love the color purple!
Lol, boy did I have an avid imagination! lol

I would have to change everything!!!!
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Damn Schoolhouse Rock.