July 7, 2008

Ready for Parenthood?

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books
and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for
expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life
experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and
stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months.
After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip
the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the
pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange  
to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home.
Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple
who are already parents and berate them about their methods of
discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels,
and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest
ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits,
toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy
it -- it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all
of the answers.

3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room  
from 5 PM to 10 PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately  
8-12 lbs. At 10 PM put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight,  
and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room  
again, with the bag, until 1 AM. Put the alarm on for 3 AM. As  
you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 AM and make a drink. Go  
to bed at 2:45 AM. Get up again at 3 AM when the alarm goes off.  
Sing songs in the dark until 4 AM. Put the alarm on for 5 AM.  
Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. 

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear  
peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a  
fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.  
Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean  
walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?  

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy  
an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the  
string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for  
this -- all morning. 

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of
paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using
only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas
tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an
empty packet of Cocoa Puffs and make an exact replica of the
Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a
place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a minivan. And don't think you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars
don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it
in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick
it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate
cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along
both sides of the car. There! Perfect!

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an  
hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in.  
Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk  
down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes.  
Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used  
chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace  
your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand,  
until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go  
back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a  
small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times. 

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest
thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat
is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take
more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting  
the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or  
destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even
contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend
it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a
bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the
swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until
half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap,  
making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now
ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends,
Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find
yourself singing "I love you, you love me," at work, now! you
finally qualify as a parent.

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