Dear Dr Phil,

I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me.

Is she a pervert?

~ღ♥ღ~

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

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Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina, "I think I'm going to see a dietician."

Nina asked, "Why?"

Rosy answered, "'Cause I need to know once and for all, how many calories are in sperm."

Nina replied, "I really have no clue, but if you're swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you're a little chunky."

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A 10-year-old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks, "What's wrong, lad?"

The boy says, "Me ma died this morning."

"Oh, be Jaysus," the man says. "Do you want me to call Father O'Reiley for you?"

The boy replies, "No tanks, mister. Sex is the last ting on me mind at the moment."

 

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Do you have Alzheimer's?

If you are over 45-years-old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test.

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?


1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S

*****
Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

You do NOT have Alzheimer's

You are a Pervert.

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 A young man moved out from home and into his first apartment. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young blonde lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears?! Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

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Mr. Schwartz

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?"

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A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."

He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"

She said, "I think it must be the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?"

"Because," she replied, "I swallowed the first one."

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My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' you get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

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A guy goes into U.S. Postal Service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and you might as well plan on starting at 10:00 am every Day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in You coming in for that.

Source: www.laffaday.com

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DATING RITUALS

WHITE WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.


IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.


ITALIAN WOMEN
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.


JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.


CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.


INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.


BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.


MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in ... and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.

The POINT?

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN

Source: www.laffaday.com
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A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door...

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, "Do you have a vagina?"

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again."

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whisper, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer 'yes' because I want to see where he is going with it." She nods and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question, "Do you have vagina?"

"Yes," she says.

The man replies, "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?

Source: www.laffaday.com

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"Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."

"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."

"But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has."

"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the doctor.

"Well," the man admitted, " I think my wife now has it too."

"Son of a bitch!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!

Source: www.laffaday.com

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A man goes into a bar, and the barmaid asks what he wants."I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits." he says.

"You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "Get out before I get my husband."

The man apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants."I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your a** and lick it all off."

She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're barred. Get out!"

Again, the man apologizes and swears never to do it again."One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now, what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, tear your panties off and fill your p***y with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from your hairy cup."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs in the back to fetch her husband."What's up?" he asks his irate wife.

"There's some a**hole out in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off," she says.

"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband."Then he said he wanted to pour yogurt down between my a** cheeks and lick it off," she screams.

"Oh, he's a dead man!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat."Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my p***y with Guinness and then drink it all," she cries.

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his chair."Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically."Look, I'm not messing with any guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness at once.

Source: www.laffaday.com

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A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie.

"Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.

"That bitch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!

Source: www.laffaday.com

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A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.
He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to put it in your ass but no, you thought that might hurt!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I'd just come out of a Supermarket with a roasted chicken, French fries, large chips, and a 12 pack of beer.

A poor homeless man sat on the curb and said to me as I passed by, "I haven't eaten for two days!"

I told him, "That's great. I wish I had your will power."

Source: www.laffaday.com

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The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects again.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist steps out of the office and returns a moment later, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a painkiller!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.

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A woman calls her lawyer and asks...

"With all the lawsuits going on, I want to get in on some of that action. I hear people are suing cigarette companies because they got cancer and others are suing McDonalds because they got fat."

"And which one of those categories do you fit under?"

"Neither," says the women. "I just want to know if I can sue Budweiser for all the ugly men I've slept with."

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As I Mature
***********

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about
fifteen minutes, After that you better have a huge schlong.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting,
long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a
relationship is at first, the passion fades,
and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't
working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about
in life are taken from you too soon,
and all the less important ones just never go away.

Source: www.laffaday.com

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A couple, both age 68, went to a sex therapist's office. The
doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will
you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked
puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them
$50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make
an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the
doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying
to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and
we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The
Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43
back from Medicare."

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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top
of their car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, Stopped them and told them they
would either have to remove the sign Or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
"JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop
them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled. "Their
sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their
sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer In the area
when he noticed the two ladies Driving around with a large
sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with
them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50"

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