July 18, 2008

What is you sign?

AQUARIUS You have an inventive mind and are a progressive
thinker. You also lie a lot and are inclined to be careless
and impractical, making the same mistakes over and over.
Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

PISCES You have a vivid imagination and often think you are
being followed by the CIA. You have some influence over your
friends and people resent you for flaunting your power.
Underneath it all you lack confidence and are generally a
coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their
noses a lot.

ARIES You are the pioneer type and have strong leadership
tendencies, but you regard others with contempt. You are
quick tempered, impatient and don't take well to advice.
You are a Melvin.

TAURUS You are down to earth and persistent. You are de-
termined and can work like hell. Most people think that
you are a pig headed not the best. You're probably a

GEMINI You are quick and intelligent - a thinker. People
like you because you are bisexual, You are also a cheap bar
steward, expecting everything for nothing. Gemini's are
notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER You are extremely sensitive by nature and very
caring. You are a wimp, You are hopeless at making decisions
and that is why you will always be on welfare and you will
never be worth a lot.

LEO Leo people are born leaders but most people think they
are just pushy. Most Leo's are bullies. They are assholes
who break down under honest criticism. Your arrogance is
disgusting. Leo People are thieving bullies who kiss mirrors
a lot.

VIRGO You are the logical type and detest disorder. Nit-
picking makes your friends sick. You are cold and
unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgo's
make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA Librans are lucky in employment and financial matters.
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
reality. If you are male then you are probably queer. Most
Libran woman are whores. All Librans die of V. D.

SCORPIO You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.
You will reach the pinnacle of success because of your
total lack of ethics. You are a perfect Son of a bitch.
Most Scorpio people are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS You are optimistic and enthusiastic with a
reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent.
Most Sagitarians are drunks or pot heads. People laugh at
you a lot because you are always messing things up.

CAPRICORN you are conservative and afraid of taking risks.
You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a
Capricorn of any importance, you should kill yourself.

July 11, 2008

Job Evaulations

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember,  
it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from  
National government employee performance evaluations:  

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom   
and has started to dig."   

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."  

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more  
of a definite won't be."  

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like  
a rat in a trap."  

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change   

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."  

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails   
to achieve them."   

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."  

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the  

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it   
all together."  

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary  

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."  

13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."  

14. "He's been working with glue too much."  

15. "He would argue with a signpost."  

16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."  

17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."  

18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's  
the other one."  

19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."  

20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."  

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."  

22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train  
isn't coming."  

23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is   
out looking for it."  

24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice   
a week."   

25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."   

26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."  

27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."   

28. "One neuron short of a synapse."  

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." 

30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."  

31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

July 7, 2008

Ready for Parenthood?

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books
and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for
expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life
experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and
stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months.
After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip
the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the
pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange  
to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home.
Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple
who are already parents and berate them about their methods of
discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels,
and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest
ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits,
toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy
it -- it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all
of the answers.

3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room  
from 5 PM to 10 PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately  
8-12 lbs. At 10 PM put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight,  
and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room  
again, with the bag, until 1 AM. Put the alarm on for 3 AM. As  
you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 AM and make a drink. Go  
to bed at 2:45 AM. Get up again at 3 AM when the alarm goes off.  
Sing songs in the dark until 4 AM. Put the alarm on for 5 AM.  
Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. 

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear  
peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a  
fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.  
Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean  
walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?  

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy  
an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the  
string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for  
this -- all morning. 

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of
paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using
only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas
tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an
empty packet of Cocoa Puffs and make an exact replica of the
Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a
place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a minivan. And don't think you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars
don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it
in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick
it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate
cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along
both sides of the car. There! Perfect!

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an  
hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in.  
Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk  
down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes.  
Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used  
chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace  
your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand,  
until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go  
back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a  
small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times. 

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest
thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat
is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take
more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting  
the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or  
destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even
contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend
it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a
bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the
swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until
half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap,  
making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now
ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends,
Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find
yourself singing "I love you, you love me," at work, now! you
finally qualify as a parent.

July 6, 2008

New Scams

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What
happens is that when you stop for a red light a young,
nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your wind-
shield. While she is doing this another person opens your
back door and steals anything in the car.

They are very good at this. They got me 3 times last Friday
and twice on Saturday.

I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.


A guy is out with buddies and has a few drinks and is
feeling horny but true to his wife, goes home. He finds
her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he
gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.

She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, "What the hell
did you put in my mouth?"

He says, "Two aspirin."


He says, "That's all I wanted to hear."

July 5, 2008

Geting Fired

This is a very good reason why bosses should fire their employees at the end of the day and with security close by!!!