December 23, 2011

5 Toughest Questions For Men

The 5 toughest questions for men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.


Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")


Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?


Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.


Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is always: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty...
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.


Question# 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.

(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette!")

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December 1, 2011

Movie List - 11/2011

Any movie that is highlighted should definitely be checked out! Movies that are in bold are considered to be good, but not great.



Movie List - 11/2011

_________


Crazy, Stupid, Love.
30 Minutes or Less
Treme: Season 1
Dexter: Season 5
Devil's Playground
Super 8
Tyler Perry's A Madea Christmas
13
Masterpiece Classic: My Boy Jack
Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil
Jumping the Broom
Pirates of the Caribbean: Stranger Tides
Trespass
Set Up
Horrible Bosses
Grave Encounters
The Long Kiss Goodnight


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November 8, 2011

Quickie, anyone?

A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and an attractive young waitress comes for his order. He gives her a smile and says, "I want a quickie."

She turns red in the face and ahems, "Sir, I don't know what kind of restaurant you're used to eating in, but I can assure you you're not going to get a quickie here!"

"How disappointing," the man replied. "Could you ask the chef to make an exception?"

"He doesn't have anything to do with it!" says the waitress indignantly.

"Hmmm, do you know anywhere around here where I could get a quickie?"

"I'm SURE I don't know," answers the waitress loudly.

A patron from the next table leans over and taps the man on the shoulder, "I think it's pronounced QUICHE."
Source: www.laffaday.com
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November 7, 2011

Movie List

I forgot all about my movies that were listed on the side tab under "Movies Recently Seen". I don't remember when I first starting listing them so I've decided to group them all in this one long post.

Since I started posting movies every month, I've decided to only list movies seen at theaters instead of netflix under "Movies Recently Seen". Enjoy...


Movie List
(Before 09/2009)
________


G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra - 9/10
Drag Me To Hell - 9/10



Shutter Island - 8/10
Sybil - 8/10
For Colored Girls Who Have Considered ... - 8/10
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs - 8/10
The Damned United - 8/10
Black Dynamite - 8/10
The Crucible - 8/10
Apocalypse Now / Apocalypse Now Redux - 8/10
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines - 8/10
Jeff Dunham: Arguing with Myself - 8/10
Irreversible - 8/10
(500) Days of Summer - 8/10
District 9 - 8/10
Inglourious Basterds - 8/10
Avatar 3D - 8/10
Mongol - 8/10
Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian - 8/10
Expired - 8/10
Star Trek - 8/10
Up - 8/10
The Taking of Pelham 123 - 8/10
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - 8/10
Boy A - 8/10
Day of The Dead - 8/10
The Last House on the Left - 8/10
Away We Go - 8/10
Sex Drive - 8/10
House of Sand and Fog - 8/10
Life and Debt - 8/10




The Uninvited Guest / El habitante incierto - 7/10
Orphan - 7/10
Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire - 7/10
2012 - 7/10
Saw VI - 7/10
Sorority Row - 7/10
The Marine - 7/10
The Book of Eli - 7/10
Cold Souls - 7/10
The Wolfman - 7/10
Severance - 7/10
Red Eye - 7/10
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs - 7/10
World's Greatest Dad - 7/10
Capers/The Brooklyn Heist - 7/10
Benji Brown: In Touch with Reality - 7/10
Pandorum - 7/10
A Day in the Life - 7/10
The Bucket List - 7/10
A Perfect Getaway - 7/10
A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All - 7/10
Soul Theater Series: Fabric of a Man - 7/10
Suburban Mayhem - 7/10
Eden Lake - 7/10
Assassination of a High School President - 7/10
Shattered/Butterfly on a Wheel - 7/10
Narc - 7/10
Girlhood - 7/10
Angels & Demons - 7/10
Funny People - 7/10
Ma vie en rose - 7/10
Five Fingers - 7/10
The Butcher Boy - 7/10
The Accidental Husband - 7/10
The DL Chronicles - 7/10
Where God Left His Shoes - 7/10
Wristcutters: A Love Story - 7/10
Paranormal Activities - 7/10
Nothing Like the Holidays - 7/10
Crank: High Voltage - 7/10
Ryeong/The Ghost - 7/10
Year One - 7/10
State of Grace - 7/10
The Brothers Bloom - 7/10
Monsters vs Aliens - 7/10
Life Is Hot in Cracktown - 7/10
Next Day Air - 7/10
The Mutant Chronicles - 7/10
Grandma's Boy - 7/10
Masters of Horror: John Landis: Family - 7/10
The Foot Fist Way - 7/10
Tortured - 7/10
Sin Nombre - 7/10
Coraline - 7/10
Dead Calm - 7/10
Stay Alive - 7/10





Wrong Turn - 6/10
Surrogates - 6/10
The Private Lives of Pippa Lee - 6/10
Deadgirl - 6/10
Dead Snow / Død snø - 6/10
Whisper - 6/10
The Children - 6/10
Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All by Myself - 6/10
Knowing - 6/10
Fast and Furious - 6/10
Inkheart - 6/10
Mama's Boy - 6/10
Garden State - 6/10
Eight Crazy Nights - 6/10
Home for the Holidays - 6/10
Yeogo gwae-dam 4: Moksori/Voice - 6/10
Chaos - 6/10
Brüno - 6/10
Choke - 6/10
Sunshine Cleaning - 6/10
Land of the Lost - 6/10
Imagine That - 6/10
Primer - 6/10
Chéri - 6/10
Dorothy Mills - 6/10
Return to House on Haunted Hill - 6/10
Surveillance - 6/10
The Proposal - 6/10
12 Rounds - 6/10
Observe and Report - 6/10
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past - 6/10
Three... Extremes/Sam gang yi - 6/10
The Deaths of Ian Stone - 6/10
Dance Flick - 6/10
The Red Shoes - 6/10






The Final Destination - 5/10
The Killing Room - 5/10







Crazy Eights - 4/10
Fear Dot Com - 4/10








Miami Vice - 3/10
(I think I rated this movie during my "I hate Jamie Foxx" phase)


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November 1, 2011

Movie List - 10/2011

Any movie that is highlighted should definitely be checked out! Movies that are in bold are considered to be good, but not great.



Movie List - 10/2011

_________


The Heart Specialist
Fast Five
Taken from Me: The Tiffany Rubin Story
A Haunting: Season 4
Hatchet II
True Blood: Season 2
Father of Invention
Captain America: The First Avenger
Quarantine 2: Terminal
Tyler Perry's Laugh to Keep from Crying
A Better Life
Red State
Bad Teacher
Blitz
Rescue Me: Seasons 6
Weeds: Season 6
YellowBrickRoad
Beautiful Boy
Conan O'Brien Can't Stop
The Baby's Room / To Let
JFK: Special Edition
Boston Legal: Season 4
Life and Times of Tim: Season 1
Scream 4
Phase 7
Transformers: Dark of the Moon



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October 22, 2011

A guy goes into U.S. Postal Service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and you might as well plan on starting at 10:00 am every Day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in You coming in for that.

Source: www.laffaday.com

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October 18, 2011

DATING RITUALS

WHITE WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.


IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.


ITALIAN WOMEN
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.


JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.


CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.


INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.


BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.


MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in ... and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.

The POINT?

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN

Source: www.laffaday.com
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October 11, 2011

My dilemma

So I've been natural for almost 2 and 1/2 years. I usually have a big ball of hair after detangling, no matter what style my hair has been in.

Ever since my BC, I've had more than enough hair on my sink when cleaning up.

This has got to be too much hair though, right? Is this size normal?




Before washing my hair this time, I did a DT for 45 minutes. Imagine if I hadn't!

On the upside, I did my whole routine with Shea Moisture and my hair smells soooo yummy.

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October 10, 2011

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door...

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a vagina?"

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, "Do you have a vagina?"

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again."

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whisper, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer 'yes' because I want to see where he is going with it." She nods and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question, "Do you have vagina?"

"Yes," she says.

The man replies, "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?
Source: www.laffaday.com

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Our six-year-old daughter, Terra, has a need to ask questions...lots of questions. Finally, one day, my wife had it.

"Have you ever heard that curiosity killed the cat?" my wife asked. "No," replied Terra.

"Well, there was a cat, and he was very inquisitive. And one day, he looked into a big hole, fell in, and died!"

Wide-eyed, Terra whispered: "What was in the hole?"
Source: www.laffaday.com

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October 1, 2011

Movie List - 9/2011

Any movie that is highlighted should definitely be checked out! Movies that are in bold are considered to be good, but not great.



Movie List - 9/2011

_________

Contagion
The Bounty Hunter
Blood In, Blood Out
Harry Brown
The Ledge
Thor
Insidious
Oldboy
Win Win
Henry's Crime
Super
Sunny in Philadelphia: Season 6
Hesher
Everything Must Go
Your Highness
Paul
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
The Lincoln Lawyer
Psych: Season 4


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September 5, 2011

Hair Update

Hola!!!! :wave: Wat's goodie?!
Is anyone even reading this blog anymore? LOL



Anywho!!!! Like the title says, it's time for a hair update!!!!


I've been natural for 28 months now! YAY!!!!

:occasion7:


:wav:



Twist Out



Length Check
(Notice how the hair in the right pic is shorter
than the other strand on the left!)



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September 1, 2011

Movie List - 8/2011

Any movie that is highlighted should definitely be checked out! Movies that are in bold are considered to be good, but not great.


Movie List - 8/2011

_________


The Help
The Perfect Host
Tyler Perry's Madea's Big Happy Family
Take Me Home Tonight
Murderball
Boston Legal: Season 4
Flyboys
Cedar Rapids
The Beaver
Community: Season 1
The Conspirator
13 Assassins
Limitless
Peep World
Road to Perdition
Entourage: Season 7
The Talented Mr. Ripley
Game of Death
Drive Angry
Stake Land


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August 30, 2011

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why on Earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

The husband replied, "They had eggs."
Source: www.laffaday.com
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August 29, 2011

"Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."

"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."

"But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has."

"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the doctor.

"Well," the man admitted, " I think my wife now has it too."

"Son of a bitch!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!
Source: www.laffaday.com

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August 26, 2011

Helpful Tips to Make Life Simple

* Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

* Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

* No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

* Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

* If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Source: www.laffaday.com

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August 15, 2011

"Shame On You"

My 7-year-old daughter came home from school one day, held up her middle finger, and asked me what it meant. I was so shocked that I could say only, "Shame on you," followed by, "If anyone does that to you, just say, "Shame on you" to that person.

Next week we were at the dinner table when my husband let out a huge belch. I reprimanded him by saying, "Shame on you."Imagine my husband's shock when my daughter held up her middle finger, showed it to him, and exclaimed, "Mom, you forgot to give Daddy the 'shame on you' sign.

Source: www.laffaday.com

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August 11, 2011

TEN TOP THINGS NOT TO SAY ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking (and-or sex).

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to do it together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love

Source: www.laffaday.com
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August 3, 2011

A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem.

After the visit the man asks, "How much do I owe you?"

"My fee is five hundred dollars," replies the physician.

"Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that much!"

"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred."

"Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous."

"Well, then, could you afford two hundred?"

"Who has that kind of money?"

"Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just give me a hundred and get out of my office, okay?"

"I can give you fifty," says the man. "Take it or leave it."

"I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?"

"Listen, Doctor," says the patient, "When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive!"

Source: www.laffaday.com

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August 2, 2011

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.

"Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!"Then he got a little panicky.

"I don't remember her," he thought, but MAYBE..during one of the fraternity parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we had a little too much to drink and spent the night together but I never called you again afterward?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's Sunday School teacher."

Source: www.laffaday.com

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August 1, 2011

Movie List - 7/2011

Any movie that is highlighted should definitely be checked out! Movies that are in bold are considered to be good, but not great.



Movie List - 7/2011

_________


Visitor Q
In The Loop
Trust
Source Code
Sucker Punch
Sanctum
Seconds Apart
Unknown
Rango
Red Riding Hood
The Queen
House of Payne: Vol. 7
Hall Pass
Ip Man 2
[REC] 2
Of Gods and Men
Just Go with It
S.W.A.T.: Fire Fight
Miss Evers' Boys


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July 22, 2011

Curiosity

A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity.

"Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?"

One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "Still in the Garden of Eden?

Source: www.laffaday.com

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A man goes into a bar, and the barmaid asks what he wants."I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits." he says.

"You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "Get out before I get my husband."

The man apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants."I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your a** and lick it all off."

She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're barred. Get out!"

Again, the man apologizes and swears never to do it again."One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now, what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, tear your panties off and fill your p***y with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from your hairy cup."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs in the back to fetch her husband."What's up?" he asks his irate wife.

"There's some a**hole out in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off," she says.

"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband."Then he said he wanted to pour yogurt down between my a** cheeks and lick it off," she screams.

"Oh, he's a dead man!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat."Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my p***y with Guinness and then drink it all," she cries.

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his chair."Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically."Look, I'm not messing with any guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness at once.

Source: www.laffaday.com

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July 20, 2011

Need a new doctor?

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one-to-one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two-to-one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - bourbon in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!


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July 19, 2011

Prayer

Dear Lord, I thank You for this day,
I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning.
I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God.
You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me.
Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you.

I ask now for Your forgiveness.
Please keep me safe from all danger and harm.
Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude.
Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.
Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things.
Let me not whine and whimper
over things I have no control over.
And give me the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits.

I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart.
Continue to use me to do Your will.
Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others.
Keep me strong that I may help the weak...
Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others.
I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way.
I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood.
I pray for those who don't know You intimately.
I pray for those that don't believe.
But I thank Yo u that I believe that God changes people and God changes things.
I pray for all my sisters and brothers.
For each and every family member in their households.
I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes; that they are out of debt and all their needs are met.
I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance,
or situation greater than God.
Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight.

I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it in Jesus' name. Amen!

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July 13, 2011

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie.

"Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.

"That bitch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!

Source: www.laffaday.com

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July 9, 2011

Hairstyles

5/8/11
Side Views



Back View




7/9/11
Side View
(with 3 flat twists instead of 4)



Side View




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Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the bathroom, I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restrooms.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'

And the other person says: 'So what are you up to?

'What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them 'No..I'm a little busy right now!'

Then I hear the person say nervously... 'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

Source: www.laffaday.com

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July 1, 2011

Instant Activity Movie List: 1/2011 - 6/2011

Any movie that is highlighted should definitely be checked out! Movies that are in bold are considered to be good, but not great.



Instant Activity Movie List:
1/2011 - 6/2011


_________


100 Feet
Cube Zero
Cube 2: Hypercube
Medium: Season 5
Parking Wars: Season 2
Parking Wars: Season 1
Lincoln Heights: Season 1
Army Wives: Season 1
The IT Crowd: Series 4
The IT Crowd: Series 3
Ugly Betty: Season 4
Monk: Season 8
Paranormal Activity
Lost: Season 6
Lost: Season 5
Lost: Season 4
Lie to Me: Season 2


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Movie List - 6/2011

Any movie that is highlighted should definitely be checked out! Movies that are in bold are considered to be good, but not great.



Movie List - 6/2011

_________


Bloodworth
Gia
True Blood: Season 1
Cannibal Holocaust
Joe Rogan: Talking Monkeys in Space
The Roommate
HappyThankYouMorePlease
The Last of the Mohicans
Tangled
Rain Man
Kill the Irishman
The Rite
True Grit
A Serious Man
Carancho
The Wild Hunt
Biutiful
Syriana


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June 30, 2011

A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.
He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to put it in your ass but no, you thought that might hurt!"


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


I'd just come out of a Supermarket with a roasted chicken, French fries, large chips, and a 12 pack of beer.

A poor homeless man sat on the curb and said to me as I passed by, "I haven't eaten for two days!"

I told him, "That's great. I wish I had your will power."

Source: www.laffaday.com

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June 29, 2011

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects again.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist steps out of the office and returns a moment later, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a painkiller!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.

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June 27, 2011

What we leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others. -- Pericles

Those who have knowledge, don't predict. Those who predict, don't have knowledge. --Lao Tzu

Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world. --Albert Einstein

Beware of false knowledge; it is more dangerous than ignorance. --George Bernard Shaw

We learn more by looking for the answer to a question and not finding it than we do from learning the answer itself. - Lloyd Alexander

We cannot change our past. We can not change the fact that ppl act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have & that is our attitude. - Chuck Swindoll

The more elaborate our means of communication, the less we communicate. - Joseph Priestly

We can have democracy in this country, or we can have great wealth concentrated in the hands of a few but we can't have both. - Louis Brandeis


People take different roads seeking fulfillment & happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost. - H Jackson Brown, Jr

They will envy you for your success, for your wealth, for your intelligence, for your looks, for your status - but rarely for your wisdom. --Nassim Taleb

You can tell more about a person from their kindness to strangers than you can from any words they might say. --Gail Lynne Goodwin



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June 17, 2011

A woman calls her lawyer and asks...

"With all the lawsuits going on, I want to get in on some of that action. I hear people are suing cigarette companies because they got cancer and others are suing McDonalds because they got fat."

"And which one of those categories do you fit under?"

"Neither," says the women. "I just want to know if I can sue Budweiser for all the ugly men I've slept with."


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June 1, 2011

Movie List - 5/2011

Any movie that is highlighted should definitely be checked out! Movies that are in bold are considered to be good, but not great.



Movie List - 5/2011

_________


The Dilemma
The Green Hornet
Blue Valentine
I Saw the Devil
Gnomeo and Juliet
I Am Number Four
Vanishing on 7th Street
The Mechanic
The Girl Next Door (very violent)
The Hit List
Black Death
Look Around You: Series 1
Big Love: Season 4
Casino Jack
A Somewhat Gentle Man
Little Fockers


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May 15, 2011

As I Mature
***********

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about
fifteen minutes, After that you better have a huge schlong.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting,
long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a
relationship is at first, the passion fades,
and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't
working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about
in life are taken from you too soon,
and all the less important ones just never go away.

Source: www.laffaday.com

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May 1, 2011

Movie List - 4/2011

Any movie that is highlighted should definitely be checked out! Movies that are in bold are considered to be good, but not great.



Movie List - 4/2011

_________


Stone
Boston Legal: Season 3
The Walking Dead: Season 1
Mean Girls 2
JCVD
Blood Out
Black Swan
Nurse Jackie: Season 2
Women in Trouble
The King's Speech
Skyline
The Tourist
Unforgiven
Hereafter
Burlesque
The Bourne Ultimatum
The A-Team
I Love You Phillip Morris
Legacy
Ip Man

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April 29, 2011

Old man Fielding, the miser, at last went to his reward and presented himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted him with appropriate solemnity and escorted him to his new abode.
Walking past numerous elegant mansions finally they arrived at a dilapidated shack at the end of the street.

Fielding, much taken aback, began, "Why do I get a rundown shack when all of these others have fine mansions?"

"Well, sir," replied St. Peter, "we did the best we could with the money you sent us."

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April 1, 2011

Movie List - 3/2011

Any movie that is highlighted should definitely be checked out! Movies that are in bold are considered to be good, but not great.



Movie List - 3/2011

_________

The Social Network
For Colored Girls
127 Hours
Boston Legal: Season 3
Get Low
Mutants
Due Date
The Possession of David O'Reilly
Exam
The Fighter
Unstoppable
Frozen
The Disappearance of Alice Creed
It's Kind of a Funny Story
The Next Three Days
My Soul to Take
Faster
I Spit on Your Grave
Voices

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March 31, 2011

Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer.
Tom walks in, sits down and asks him what the problem is.
"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."

"What kind of question?" asked Tom.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly."

"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," said Eric, "That's what I wanted to do, except I said 'Of course I DO...'"

Source: www.laffaday.com

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March 22, 2011

Differences between men and women

1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch,
they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and
Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and
Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each
throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of
them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit
they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but
it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom
is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these
items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new
argument.

6.CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.

7. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get
the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

8. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

9. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

10. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and
she does.
Source: www.laffaday.com

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March 20, 2011

A wife and her husband attended a very important business
party thrown by her boss where the husband may have had one
or two more than he should have.

On the way home from the party, the woman said to her
husband, "Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and
totally irresistible to all women you are?"

"Why no," said the husband, deeply flattered.

"Then what gave you that idea at the party?!" she yelled.

Source: www.laffaday.com
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March 11, 2011

A couple, both age 68, went to a sex therapist's office. The
doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will
you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked
puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them
$50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make
an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the
doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying
to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and
we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The
Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43
back from Medicare."

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March 9, 2011

Quick Length Check

Length Check
09/16/2010



Length Check
03/09/2010







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Lent is About Sacrifice, Not a Dare!

"RT @M3RLz: Why would you celebrate lent if you never go to church?!
I'm so confused... Just call it a dare since that's basically what it is."
As a person who was born and raised in church, I am greatly offended when people use religion as an excuse when it suits their needs. One current pet peeve is hearing people say that they are celebrating Lent but cannot for the life of them remember the last time that they attended a church service.

By definition, the season of Lent is the time of preparation for Holy Week, leading up to Easter. According to Wikipedia, the purpose of Lent "is the preparation of the believer — through prayer, repentance, almsgiving and self-denial — for the annual commemoration during Holy Week of the Death and Resurrection of Jesus". Lent should not be taken as a joke. While most people use it to become closer to God, others are "observing" the religious holiday as a challenge to see if they can avoid doing a certain thing or avoid a certain food for 40 days.

As someone who does not take God or the Christian religion lightly, I am appalled to hear someone say: "I'm giving up [ ] for Lent". Will that bring you closer to God in any way? Will you use that time to pray more or to attend more services? Of course not, so you're not really celebrating Lent, you're challenging yourself to see if you can make it without something for 40 days; or you can even call it a self-imposed dare.

You might be wondering why a person who has been missing so many church services would be insulted by such statements. To be honest, I think I'm entitled since I'm practically a PK aka Preacher's Kid. For 24 years straight, I've been in church every single Sunday and have attended non-Sunday services. I've sung in countless church concerts and my mother has held high-ranking positions in every church that we've attended, therefore basically giving my sister and I the Preacher's Kid treatment. Even when I had chest pains (which was often due to my poor eating habits) or when I twisted my knee or ankle (which was also often since I was active even though I have weak ankles), I was there with cane in hand on a few occasions.

My very religious mother didn't exactly give me a choice; It was either go, or get out. I was never given a choice of accepting a corporal punishment/spanking or going to a Sunday night or a week-day service instead. "If you're not going to go to church, get out of my house." Anyone who knows my mother, knows that she does not joke around when it comes to anything related to God, so it was never a bluff.

When I tried to test her leniency, out of spite, she made me join three church choirs, which meant that I had to go to three, yes three, churches every Sunday. For more than five years of my life, I attended a Pentecostal, Methodist, and a Baptist church each Sunday. So yes, I'm entitled to be upset when people disrespect an important aspect of my religion.

Bottom line: Lent is meant to be a sacrifice, not a dare.

I know I haven't been on in months, but I had to come back since I didn't feel like bombarding my followers on twitter or my friends on facebook with how I was feeling. What's a blog, if not for posting frustrations?


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***Clarification:
my sense of entitlement was in regard to being upset about people misusing the term "Lent", not about redemption or salvation.***

March 8, 2011


Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top
of their car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, Stopped them and told them they
would either have to remove the sign Or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
"JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop
them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled. "Their
sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their
sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer In the area
when he noticed the two ladies Driving around with a large
sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with
them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50"

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