May 7, 2008



1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach,
you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer
with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time
doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is
like a dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never
scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses
its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how
you call a dog... "Killer, come here! Now think about how
you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jezus,
you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or
any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A
straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw
oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything
else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably
a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss
in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship.
A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates
where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you pro-
bably like a high hard one in the pooper chuter. A straight
man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte". If
you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man
there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or
four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie,
you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man
doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that
crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a
"fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of
textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you
are dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands
on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the ass-
hole off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change
the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, scratch
his balls, or play with his broad's tits.

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