Why You shouldn't go to Jail

A man gets sent to prison. As soon as he walks in his cell,
his huge, scary-looking cellmate says to him, "We're gonna
play house. Do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?"

After thinking about it for a minute, the man slowly answers,
"Well, if I have to choose, I guess I'll be the daddy."

"OK," his cellmate says, "then get over here and suck mommy's
dick."

Source: 
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com 

Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A: A computer only needs the information punched into it once.


Q: Did you hear about the guy who's a dyslexic-bulimic?
A: He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his ass.

Source:   
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

Grown Women

* Girls want to control the man in their life.
* Grown women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.


* Girls check you for not calling them.
* Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't.


* Girls are afraid to be alone.
* Grown women revel in it-using it as a time for personal growth.


* Girls ignore the good guys.
* Grown women ignore the bad guys.


* Girls make you come home.
* Grown women make you want to come home.


* Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
* Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits.


* Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
* Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man..


* Girls try to monopolize all their man's time (i.e., don't want him hanging with his friends).
* Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special-and goes to kick it with her own friends.


* Girls think a guy crying is weak.
* Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.


* Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.
* Grown women 'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his 'manhood'.


* Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
* Grown women know that was just one man.


* Girls fall in love and chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all 'signs'.
* Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back and move on, without bitterness.


* Girls will read this and get an attitude.
* Grown women will read this and pass it on to other Grown women and their male friends.

Source: Unknown

He's very smart

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.'

Source: Unknown

Personals

Looking for third-degree-burned beauties to satisfy my growing
fetish for wrinkled skin. Have tried elderly women and bathtub
babes, but now only skin grafts get me going.

I've got issues; you've got the cure. I need lots of time on the
couch; you need a sympathetic ear and board certification. Must not
charge by the hour.

Petite mountaineeress seeks tall female for climbing. If you're under
6 feet tall, averse to ropes, or wary of long expeditions, don't
apply.

Single female who enjoys interpretive dance, wearing black clothing,
and drinking herbal tea seeks standoffish, analytical wimp to create
Jell-O sculptures and ballroom dance in my living room.

Thirty-five-year-old doctor who wants to finally meet a woman with
true inner beauty. Outward appearance not a factor. Please send X-
rays.

You have brown hair and green eyes, with a mole on your left cheek. I
watch you from behind the bushes with my binoculars. Don't bother to
respond; I already know where you live.

Former scientist in search of test subject for study on the line
between pleasure and pain, ecstasy and excruciation. Those with high
pain thresholds ineligible.

Born-again female Pentecostal seeks male acolyte for meaningful
relationship and serpent handling. Speaking in tongues a plus!
God-fearing applicants only.

Source: 
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

For All Gods Queens

Just Because

Just because no one has been fortunate enough
to realize what a gold mine you are, doesn't
mean you shine any less.

Just because no one has been smart enough to
figure out that you can't be topped,
doesn't stop you from being the best.

Just because no one has come along to share
your life,
doesn't mean that day isn't coming.

Just because no one has made this race
worth while, doesn't give you permission
to stop running.

Just because no one has realized how
much of a woman you are, doesn't mean they
can affect your femininity.

Just because no one has come to take
the loneliness away, doesn't mean you have
to settle for a lower quality.

Just because no one has shown up who
can love you on your level, doesn't
mean you have to sink to theirs.

Just because you deserve the very
best there is, doesn't mean that life is
always fair.

Just because God is still preparing
your king, doesn't mean that you're
not already a queen.

Just because your situation doesn't seem
to be progressing right
now, doesn't mean you need to change a thing.

Keep shining,
Keep running,
Keep hoping,
Keep praying,

Keep being exactly what you are already:....
                               
COMPLETE!

Source: Unknown

Drinking

Q: Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

A: Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

************************************************************************************************************
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink
5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are
craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay,
but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee
you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which
is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM
Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being
wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic
friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now
if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had
4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet
Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too
quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already
lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for
reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide
the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the
ladies, it looks like you put your makeup on while riding the
bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even
your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the
first of about five dumps you take during the day brings water
to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover, (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually
annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor
is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still
have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from
brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the
poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate
saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the
foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your
bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire
hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare
'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems
to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death
sounds pretty good right about now....

********************************************************************************************************

At a bar, a drunk says to a girl, "Excuse me but I think you owe me a drink."

"Why?"

"You’re so fucking ugly that I dropped mine when I saw you."

Source: Unknown

What if?

What if, GOD couldn't take the time to bless us today
because we couldn't take the time to thank Him yesterday?

What if GOD decided to stop leading us tomorrow because we
didn't follow Him today?

What if, we never saw another flower bloom because we
grumbled when GOD sent the Rain?

What if GOD didn't walk with us today because we failed
to recognize it as His day?

What if, GOD took away the Bible tomorrow because we
would not read it today?

What if, GOD took away His message because we failed to
listen to the messenger?

What if, GOD didn't send His only begotten Son because
He wanted us to be prepared to pay the price for sin.

Source: Unknown

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,

even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

something perfect to wear if the employer,

or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..

a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,

and a recipe for a meal,

that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...

a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to quit a job,

break up with a lover,

and confront a friend without;

ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..

whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

Thank you for the blessings, knowing you have given to my life...

Source: Maya Angelou, for Random House

Hunting

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try
bear hunting.

He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and
shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned
around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was
my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul
you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter
alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered
and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the
black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another
tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was
my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to
death or we have "rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the
grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had
his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank
fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska
and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a
tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar
bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you
don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Source: 
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

The Announcement

The Announcement with Will Ferrell, Adam McKay & Judd Apatow

Source: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/4d591e39a6