July 22, 2011


A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity.

"Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?"

One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "Still in the Garden of Eden?

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A man goes into a bar, and the barmaid asks what he wants."I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits." he says.

"You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "Get out before I get my husband."

The man apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants."I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your a** and lick it all off."

She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're barred. Get out!"

Again, the man apologizes and swears never to do it again."One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now, what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, tear your panties off and fill your p***y with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from your hairy cup."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs in the back to fetch her husband."What's up?" he asks his irate wife.

"There's some a**hole out in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off," she says.

"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband."Then he said he wanted to pour yogurt down between my a** cheeks and lick it off," she screams.

"Oh, he's a dead man!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat."Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my p***y with Guinness and then drink it all," she cries.

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his chair."Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically."Look, I'm not messing with any guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness at once.

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July 20, 2011

Need a new doctor?

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one-to-one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two-to-one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - bourbon in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!

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July 19, 2011


Dear Lord, I thank You for this day,
I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning.
I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God.
You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me.
Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you.

I ask now for Your forgiveness.
Please keep me safe from all danger and harm.
Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude.
Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.
Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things.
Let me not whine and whimper
over things I have no control over.
And give me the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits.

I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart.
Continue to use me to do Your will.
Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others.
Keep me strong that I may help the weak...
Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others.
I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way.
I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood.
I pray for those who don't know You intimately.
I pray for those that don't believe.
But I thank Yo u that I believe that God changes people and God changes things.
I pray for all my sisters and brothers.
For each and every family member in their households.
I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes; that they are out of debt and all their needs are met.
I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance,
or situation greater than God.
Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight.

I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it in Jesus' name. Amen!

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July 13, 2011

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie.

"Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.

"That bitch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!

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July 9, 2011


Side Views

Back View

Side View
(with 3 flat twists instead of 4)

Side View

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Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the bathroom, I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restrooms.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'

And the other person says: 'So what are you up to?

'What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them 'No..I'm a little busy right now!'

Then I hear the person say nervously... 'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

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July 1, 2011

Instant Activity Movie List: 1/2011 - 6/2011

Any movie that is highlighted should definitely be checked out! Movies that are in bold are considered to be good, but not great.

Instant Activity Movie List:
1/2011 - 6/2011


100 Feet
Cube Zero
Cube 2: Hypercube
Medium: Season 5
Parking Wars: Season 2
Parking Wars: Season 1
Lincoln Heights: Season 1
Army Wives: Season 1
The IT Crowd: Series 4
The IT Crowd: Series 3
Ugly Betty: Season 4
Monk: Season 8
Paranormal Activity
Lost: Season 6
Lost: Season 5
Lost: Season 4
Lie to Me: Season 2

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Movie List - 6/2011

Any movie that is highlighted should definitely be checked out! Movies that are in bold are considered to be good, but not great.

Movie List - 6/2011


True Blood: Season 1
Cannibal Holocaust
Joe Rogan: Talking Monkeys in Space
The Roommate
The Last of the Mohicans
Rain Man
Kill the Irishman
The Rite
True Grit
A Serious Man
The Wild Hunt

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