Why You shouldn't go to Jail

A man gets sent to prison. As soon as he walks in his cell,
his huge, scary-looking cellmate says to him, "We're gonna
play house. Do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?"

After thinking about it for a minute, the man slowly answers,
"Well, if I have to choose, I guess I'll be the daddy."

"OK," his cellmate says, "then get over here and suck mommy's
dick."

Source: 
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com 

Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A: A computer only needs the information punched into it once.


Q: Did you hear about the guy who's a dyslexic-bulimic?
A: He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his ass.

Source:   
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

Grown Women

* Girls want to control the man in their life.
* Grown women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.


* Girls check you for not calling them.
* Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't.


* Girls are afraid to be alone.
* Grown women revel in it-using it as a time for personal growth.


* Girls ignore the good guys.
* Grown women ignore the bad guys.


* Girls make you come home.
* Grown women make you want to come home.


* Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
* Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits.


* Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
* Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man..


* Girls try to monopolize all their man's time (i.e., don't want him hanging with his friends).
* Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special-and goes to kick it with her own friends.


* Girls think a guy crying is weak.
* Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.


* Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.
* Grown women 'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his 'manhood'.


* Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
* Grown women know that was just one man.


* Girls fall in love and chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all 'signs'.
* Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back and move on, without bitterness.


* Girls will read this and get an attitude.
* Grown women will read this and pass it on to other Grown women and their male friends.

Source: Unknown

He's very smart

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.'

Source: Unknown

Personals

Looking for third-degree-burned beauties to satisfy my growing
fetish for wrinkled skin. Have tried elderly women and bathtub
babes, but now only skin grafts get me going.

I've got issues; you've got the cure. I need lots of time on the
couch; you need a sympathetic ear and board certification. Must not
charge by the hour.

Petite mountaineeress seeks tall female for climbing. If you're under
6 feet tall, averse to ropes, or wary of long expeditions, don't
apply.

Single female who enjoys interpretive dance, wearing black clothing,
and drinking herbal tea seeks standoffish, analytical wimp to create
Jell-O sculptures and ballroom dance in my living room.

Thirty-five-year-old doctor who wants to finally meet a woman with
true inner beauty. Outward appearance not a factor. Please send X-
rays.

You have brown hair and green eyes, with a mole on your left cheek. I
watch you from behind the bushes with my binoculars. Don't bother to
respond; I already know where you live.

Former scientist in search of test subject for study on the line
between pleasure and pain, ecstasy and excruciation. Those with high
pain thresholds ineligible.

Born-again female Pentecostal seeks male acolyte for meaningful
relationship and serpent handling. Speaking in tongues a plus!
God-fearing applicants only.

Source: 
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

For All Gods Queens

Just Because

Just because no one has been fortunate enough
to realize what a gold mine you are, doesn't
mean you shine any less.

Just because no one has been smart enough to
figure out that you can't be topped,
doesn't stop you from being the best.

Just because no one has come along to share
your life,
doesn't mean that day isn't coming.

Just because no one has made this race
worth while, doesn't give you permission
to stop running.

Just because no one has realized how
much of a woman you are, doesn't mean they
can affect your femininity.

Just because no one has come to take
the loneliness away, doesn't mean you have
to settle for a lower quality.

Just because no one has shown up who
can love you on your level, doesn't
mean you have to sink to theirs.

Just because you deserve the very
best there is, doesn't mean that life is
always fair.

Just because God is still preparing
your king, doesn't mean that you're
not already a queen.

Just because your situation doesn't seem
to be progressing right
now, doesn't mean you need to change a thing.

Keep shining,
Keep running,
Keep hoping,
Keep praying,

Keep being exactly what you are already:....
                               
COMPLETE!

Source: Unknown