The Man Code

THE MAN CODE

This is it. So it has been written, so it shall be....The CODE


*Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

*Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be
legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

*When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother,
father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker,
you need not and should not provide any useful information
whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny
his very existence.

*Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you
must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

*You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent
without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is
allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up
a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).

*If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister
is off-limits forever.

*The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy
who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required
to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on
the classic 1-10 babe scale.

*Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies
refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature
is unsuitable.

*No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is
strictly optional and slightly gay.

*Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that
your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should
you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex
with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at
your bachelor party.

*Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his
permission and he in return is required to grant it.

*Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated
as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the
ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

*If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem--you didn't
see nothin'.

*The universal compensation for buddies who help you move
is beer.

*A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

*When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event,
you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you
may never ask who's playing.

*It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only
when you're sunning on a tropical tropical beach... and it's delivered
by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

*Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

*A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman
must remain sober enough to fight.

*If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to
fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the
last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this
guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and
enjoy.

*Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight
lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

*Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice
of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

*If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be
referring to his beer.

*Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except
when she's withholding sex pending your response.

*Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal
footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all
other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

*If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car,
you may not join him...too gay.

Source: laffaday.com

Psalm 129

A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road  
he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got  
in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal  
a leg.  

The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing  
gear lets his hand slide up her leg. She immediately says  
"Father remember psalm 129."  

The priest apologizes profusely and removes his hand but is  
unable to remove his eyes from her leg.  

Further on when he changes gear and has oggled at her leg for  
the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again.  
The Nun once again says "Father remember psalm 129."  

Once again the priest apologizes "Sorry sister but you know  
the flesh is weak."  

Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes  
on his way.  

Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks  
up psalm 129 it said: "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL  
FIND GLORY".  

Source:
 http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

Men die first

Why do men die first?

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries,
but, now we know...

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her
from the rat race...  you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework .. you're a pansy.

If you work too hard... there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough... you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay... this is
exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay... you
should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her... that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you... it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks... it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet... it's male indifference.

If you cry ... you're a wimp.
If you don't... you're insensitive.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear...
you're a pervert.
If you don't... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape...
you're sexist.
If you don't ... you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape... you're vain.
If you don't... you're a slob.

If she has a headache... she's tired.
If you have a headache... you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often... you're oversexed.
If you don't... there must be someone else.

Bottom Line... Men die first because they want to.  

Source:
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

Gas

Jay Leno: "After the war, the plan is to divide Iraq into three
parts ... regular, premium, and unleaded."

My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for our
anniversary, so I took her down the street to
the Sunoco station.

I have my car towed to work because it's cheaper than buying gas.

All in favor of conserving gasoline, please raise
your right foot.

I saw a guy on the street corner, holding up a hat
and a sign that said, "Wife and 2 Cars to Feed."

For our vacation this summer, we're thinking it will
be cheaper to just mail the car.

Jay Leno: "At the gas station near my house they have a
slot on the pump for your credit card, and one right next
to it for your 401-K."

Source: 
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

Mixed Bag of Weird Facts

The Amish have a diet high in meat,
dairy, refined sugars and calories.
Yet obesity is virtually unknown
among them. The difference is since
they have no TVs, cars or powered
machines, they spend their time in
manual labor.

Approximately 70 percent of the earth is covered by water.
Only 1 percent of this water is drinkable.

The term "The Big Apple" was coined by touring
jazz musicians of the 1930's who used the slang
expression "apple" for any town or city. Therefore,
to play New York City is to play the big time - The
Big Apple. There are more Irish in New York City
than in Dublin, Ireland; more Italians in New York
City than in Rome, Italy; and more Jews in New York
City than in Tel Aviv, Israel.

Shoes all over the world were identical until the nineteenth
century, when left- and right-footed shoes were first made
in Philadelphia.

The English language

For Those who Reed and Right 
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; 
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. 
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, 
yet the plural of moose should never be meese. 
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; 
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. 

If the plural of man is always called men, 
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? 
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, 
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? 
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, 
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? 

Then one may be that, and three would be those, 
yet hat in the plural would never be hose, 
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. 
We speak of a brother and also of brethren, 
but though we say mother, we never say methren. 
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, 
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim. 

Let's face! it! - English is a crazy language.

Funny Quotes

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
---Anonymous

"There is no problem so big or complicated that it can't be run away from."


Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
--G.K. Chesterton

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds
that I don't know the answer." ---Douglas Adams

"You shouldn't compare yourself to others -

they are more screwed up than you think." --Anonymous

"To those of you who received honours, awards and
distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students,
I say you, too, can be president of the United States." ---George W. Bush

"You can fool some of the people all the time,
and those are the ones you want to concentrate on." --- George W. Bush

"I think gay marriage is something that should be
between a man and a woman." ---Arnold Schwarzengger

"I deserve someone who likes me
for who I am pretending to be."
---Arj Barker

"I can't believe she said I was a liar. Sure I make random stuff

up, but I'm not a liar." ---Overheard at Starbucks

Leave Shyness Behind

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?  
Do you suffer from shyness?  
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?  

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor  
or pharmacist about Tequila. Tequila is the safe, natural way  
to feel better and more confident about yourself and your  
actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let  
you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just  
about anything.  

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and  
with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles  
that prevent you from living the life you want to live.  

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, (well  
shyness anyway) and you will discover many talents you never  
knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.  

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant  
or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't  
mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.  

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting,  
incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss  
of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of  
grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and  
a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip  
Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.  

Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.

Source: 
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

Brainwashed

What is my favorite number? 3... Actually to be precise it's 3, 6, 9, 12, 15, 18, 21, 24, 27, 30..... lol

Everyone is always asking me why 3 is my favorite number but I could never remember why.
Finally after spending some time on Youtube watching MadTv spoofs, I came upon my favorite number and the reason why I love the number 3 and it's consecutive numbers so much.

I thought, similar to everyone else, that it was because I was so "special/original". But the real answer is that it's all because of Schoolhouse Rock. THREE IS A MAGIC NUMBER!!!! I knew I got it from somewhere! lmao

I must have been old enough to remember the song and I quickly learned the 3 times table.



I feel so programmed..... should I change my favorite number? I would have to change all my passwords and what not. I don't want to start over.

Three is a magic number. Just like my favorite color purple is majestic! Every little girl thinks she is a princess, so of course, I deserve to love the color purple!
Lol, boy did I have an avid imagination! lol

I would have to change everything!!!!
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Damn Schoolhouse Rock.