August 30, 2010

Doctor's Appt

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my
annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating.

I asked why. She said, "Because I am trying to examine you!"

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August 22, 2010

Advice Anyone?

* Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to
look for it in more places.

* Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it
sure keeps you from enjoying it.

* Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of
the waist change places.

* Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great
ancestors.

* Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest
of your life.

* The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has
the same size bucket.

* When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet
you're in a public restroom.

* Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

* The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes
before you do.

* Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you
need it.

* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if
you wish they were.

* A closed mouth gathers no feet.

* A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has
found someone to blame it on.

* A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through a rainy
Saturday with a television on the blink.

* The world is full of willing people: some willing to work
and some willing to let them.

* Money isn't everything....there's credit cards, money
orders, and travelers checks.



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August 1, 2010

Movie List - 7/2010

Since I forgot about this section of my blog, I decided to forgo the rating system and just list the movies that I've watched during that particular month. Any movie that is highlighted should definitely be checked out! Movies that are in bold are considered to be good, but not great. (6/27/2011)



Movie List - 7/2010

_________

Daybreakers
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
2001 Maniacs
Hot Tub Time Machine
Ladron Que Roba a Ladron
House of Payne: Vol. 5
The Collector
Crossing Over
Entourage: Season 6
Green Zone
The Girl in the Park
Sunshine
Restraint
Chloe
Brooklyn's Finest
Peacock
Defendor
Dear Zachary


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July 30, 2010

What does your Heart Line say about you?

I don't know which quiz I filled out but this is spot on! It's actually very scary how accurate it is. Feels like they drilled into my head, sucked out my personal information, and wrote this just for me.

SCARY!!!!!!

By the way, I've been single for at least five years now. The dating scene is brutal and I refuse to kiss any frogs. (Frogs spread cooties and I don't like cooties!) And have you noticed how many wackos there are out there?!?! Don't even get me started; I can give you about a million and one reasons why the single life is good enough for me. But who in their right mind would want to enter a relationship with the person described below? I know I wouldn't....




What does your Heart Line say about you?

You are a very selfish lover. You live for yourself and care little for the people around you. When your partner commits a mistake, you can be very unforgiving. If you like someone, you stop at nothing to get that person in your life. But after winning your love, your devotion and attention level drops like a brick. You are emotional in love. You will have moments of ultimate happiness in your love life. You are likely to be extremely passionate and romantic. Your heart rules your head.

Honestly, now that I think about it, the above paragraph describes the "single me". When I'm in a relationship, I'm all bubbly and gushy and caring, and loving and disturbingly pleasant. Only a very select few have seen that side of me.


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July 6, 2010

When a patient was wheeled into our emergency room, I was
the nurse on duty. "On a scale of zero to ten," I asked
her, "with zero representing no pain and ten representing
excruciating pain, what would you say your pain level is
now?"

She shook her head. "Oh, I don't know. I'm not good with
math."

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July 5, 2010

A Raise

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was
very upset about this and decided to talk to her about
the raise. She asked, "Now Maria, why do you want a pay
raise?"

"Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wan a raise.
The first is that I iron better than you."

"Who said you iron better than me?" asked the wife.

"Jor husband say so."

"Ok."

"The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

"Nonsense!" explodes the wife. "Who said you are a better
cook than me?"

"Jor husband did."

"Oh..."

"The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

"Did my husband say that as well?!" the wife demanded
furiously.

"No Senora...the gardener did."

"So, how much is it you want?"

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