"I'll Help you be less Fat"

Fred Simmons Tae Kwon Do karate school commercial
(Source: FunnyorDie.com)

Commandments

God came down and first he went to the Germans and said, "I have  
Commandments for you that will make your lives better."  

And the Germans asked, "What are Commandments?"  

And the Lord said, "Rules for living."  

"Can you give us an example?"  

"Thou shalt not kill."  

"Not kill? We're not interested."  

So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments."  

And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou  
shalt not steal."  

"Not steal? We're not interested."  

He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."  

The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not  
covet thy neighbor's wife."  

"Not covet my neighbor's wife? We're not interested."  

He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."  

"Commandments? How much are they?"  

"They're free."  

"Great. Can we get 10?"

Source: Laffaday.com

Winter Wonderland

Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
It's yellow, NOT white,
I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee,
It's MY pro-per-ty!
Marking up my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
Following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go man,
So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fencepost,
Flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my TURF,
This small piece of Earth,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Source: 
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

Darwin Awards

(26 May 2006, Malaysia)
A woman found a text message from another woman her husband's
phone. A bitter argument ensued. In a desperate effort to
prove his faithfulness, her 41-year-old husband rushed from
the room and cut off his own penis! In earlier times, he
would have succeeded in ending his reproductive days. But
modern medicine is miraculous. The organ was reattached
by doctors, and the man earns an Honorable Mention for his
heroic, but ultimately unsuccessful, effort to remove himself
from the gene pool.

Mixed Bag of Quotes 2

"If there is light in the soul,
There will be beauty in the person.
If there is beauty in the person,
There will be harmony in the house.
If there is harmony in the house,
There will be order in the nation.
If there is order in the nation,
There will be peace in the world."
--- Chinese Proverb



"May we never let the things we can't have,
or don't have, or shouldn't have, spoil our enjoyment of the things
we do have and can have. As we value our happiness let us
not forget it, for one of the greatest lessons in life is
learning to be happy without the things we cannot or should
not have." --- Richard L. Evans



"Motherhood is the one thing
in all the world which most
truly exemplifies the God-given
virtues of creating and sacrificing.
Though it carries the woman
close to the brink of death,
motherhood also leads her into the very
realm of the fountains of life
and makes her co-partner with
the Creator in bestowing upon eternal
spirits mortal life."- President David O. McKay

11 Things Women Don't Know About Men

11 Things Women Don't Know About Men


1. Getting angry at us for not reading your mind is like getting angry at yourself for not being able to fly. It's not just futile, it's physically impossible.


2. Yes, we do think Jessica Alba is hot. Sometimes we're even dumb enough to admit it.


3. Don't ask us to understand your shoe fetish. Asking us to respect it is even sort of pushing it.


4. You do look good without makeup, just not as good as you look with it.


5. Ever notice how we don't fight with our male friends? That's why we get so frustrated when we fight with you.


6. You care what you're wearing infinitely more than we do. In fact, if you're naked when you open the front door, you won't hear an argument from us.


7. You don't like to get hit on in public, you don't want to date online and you don't want to be set up on blind dates. Tell us if sending messenger pigeons is an appropriate way of courting. Because if it is, we're all over it.


8. There should a statute of limitations on stupid things that we said that can come back to haunt us. I propose 24 hours.


9. Cooking dinner for a man is like buying flowers for a woman, except it takes a lot more time, effort and thought for you to do it. Thanks. We appreciate it.


10. We actually like your girly pet-names for us, but please, not in front of the guys!


11. Just because we like looking at the women in Maxim doesn't mean we want to actually converse with the women in Maxim. Not for long, anyway.


12. Your nice guy friends are the most reliable source for telling you if your new boyfriend's a jerk. And he probably is. (By the way, you might want to consider marrying that nice guy who's giving you advice about the jerk.)


Source: http://dating.personals.yahoo.com

The Curious Case of Benjamin Burton might be on the right path...

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean,  
life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you  
get in the end of it? Death. What's that...a bonus? I think  
the life cycle is all backwards.  

(1) You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it  
out of the way. You wake up in a an old age home, feeling  
better every day.  

(2) You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect  
your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold  
watch on your first day.  

(3) You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy  
your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, play golf,  
you're generally promiscuous (hey, you've only got a few  
years left, what's the big deal?!?) and you get ready for  
High School.  

(4) Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you  
play, you have no responsibilities, and, finally, you become  
a baby;  

(5) The last step, you spend your last 9 months floating  
peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room  
service on tap, larger quarters everyday, then you finish  
off as an orgasm!

AM I GAY?

TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF EXAMINATION

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach,
you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer
with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time
doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is
like a dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never
scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses
its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how
you call a dog... "Killer, come here! Now think about how
you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jezus,
you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or
any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A
straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw
oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything
else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably
a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss
in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship.
A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates
where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you pro-
bably like a high hard one in the pooper chuter. A straight
man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte". If
you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man
there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or
four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie,
you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man
doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that
crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a
"fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of
textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you
are dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands
on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the ass-
hole off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change
the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, scratch
his balls, or play with his broad's tits.

Source: 
http://laffaday.gophercentral.com

Testing your smarts!

The following small quiz consists of 4 questions. It tells
whether you are qualified to be a professional. Around 90%
of the professionals failed the exam.

Questions:

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is open the refrigerator, put in the
giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you
are doing simple things in a complicated way. 

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant
and close the refrigerator. Correct Answer: Open the
refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and
close the door. This tests your prudence.  


3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals
attend except one.  Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant!...It's still in the
refrigerator! This tests whether you have comprehensive thinking.  


OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly,
this one may be your last chance to testify your qualifications
to be a professional.



4. There is a river, which is infested by crocodiles. How do you
manage to cross it?

Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles
are attending the Animal Meeting! I hope you got this one
correct at least!