March 28, 2007

99% of ppl - Part 11

Part 11

Women who appear to be made entirely from bronzed plastic, with lips glossy enough to successfully buff the floor of a shopping mall. Don't bother remembering any of their names, as one valley girl is completely indiscernible from the next. Often seen courting Ugly Assholes.


Usually an average-looking, somewhat lanky guy, Johnny Three Legs is extraordinary on one respect: his ten inch penis. Flaccid. How do you know? Well, he's the guy that faces towards everyone else in communal showers. In dorms with individual showers, he dries himself off in public areas, and spends just a bit more time naked than other residents, who usually whip on a towel before they even draw the curtains open. Pity his poor roommate, usually a lonely computer science major that is still a virgin, who is kept up awake at nights from the cries of Johnny Three leg's dates - "Ouch! That hurts! Ungggnmph! Oh yeah ... yes ... God ... OUCH! Let's try it another way .... yes ... oh God ... oh Jesus ... OUCH!".


This student's life revolves around sports. He can quote sports scores, character stats, and just about anything from some obscure game last week. Not only did he watch it, he studied it while his classmates were studying for that quiz he failed. He usually arrives in class approximately 10 minutes late wearing his favorite sports team hat and jacket, only to talk about sports for the entire class. Interestingly, the Madden Jr. rarely, if ever, has any athletic ability of his own, and is often obese due to a diet consisting entirely of nachos.


The pre-med has a 4.0 cumulative GPA and has junior standing even though he's a first semester sophomore. He's got a >90 average in every class this semester, but is absolutely terrified that he's going to fail them all. Can often be heard making wild assumptions about grading schemes and arguing with the TA over 0.25 point deductions on exams.


He is always there to help. Whatever jam you have yourself in, he will, with ease, find a way to pull you out. However, he will do so with so much reluctance, he makes it sound as though Sisyphus (look it up) had an easy go of things. He will passive aggressively start conversations about what a drag it is being the designated driver, only days after he drove your drunk ass home. He is the infinite conundrum of friendship. He is always there for you. Unfortunately he is always there.


This kid is sort of like intellectual superhero except that he's not really out to prove a point through questions, but rather through his personal experiences. He is in class to spill as many anecdotes as he can possibly think of, which, for the most part, only relate to the subject at hand tangentially. His diatribes are voiced in an overly sincere tone, which I'm sure he believes makes his stories sound more real, true to life, and hard hitting. Amazingly, his stories always tend to agree with the professor's point of view.


They can be found in groups often discussing old internet fads while downloading songs and files from P2P networks. Often annoying to the people around them. Will shout out "LOL INTERNETS" at random times and you can hear some old techno songs in the background.

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