April 15, 2010


Last night I spent over 3 hours on the phone. We discussed the hardships in our personal lives, being perceived as a failure, being able to overcome our failed expectations, eliminating unnecessary baggage resulting from our physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental weaknesses, being optimistic in the present and the future, simplifying daily tasks in life, etc, etc.

The whole conversation reminded me of why I was so passionate about life and helping people. A few things that appeared to be slipping away from me recently. I have been giving up on people and hating our downward spiral caused by our lack of community and solidarity as the human race. The interaction left me with a renew awareness and understanding that was not appreciated before.

The only problem is the sense of guilt that overwhelmed me, not even one minute after hanging up the phone. Why would that be the first emotion after such a refreshingly desired change of pace? Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that the other person involved in the conversation was my good friend's boyfriend of 8 years? It's "not a good look", right?!

During the conversation, it felt like two people exchanging thoughts and opinions, but as soon as I hung up, it felt like it should have never taken place. What kind of friend would speak to her other friend's partner behind that person's back? To be honest, during most of the conversation, he was describing how much he loved my friend and wanted to make their relationship better. I never once felt disrespected or mislead; he wasn't trying to secretly flirt or seduce me but everything about the situation was wrong. Let me elaborate:

  • The conversation took place between 2am and 5am.
  • The person involved was the boyfriend of my good friend.
  • Their relationship is often rocky.
  • Compliments were given but nothing sexual; just statements of encouragement.

Should I have had this conversation given the situation? Am I wrong for feeling guilty? Should I tell her about it? I want to tell her, but what if she gets the wrong impression? What if he gets blame? Or am I just making a big deal out of nothing? Tell me what you think, please. So many questions....


I'm not interested in being in a relationship with him. I'm not a home-wrecker. I would never do that to anyone, let alone someone I've known for 10+ years. I also don't plan on ever speaking to him on the phone unless she is in his presence.

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DaRiddler said...

I personally don't think anything was wrong with the conversation as long as you know nothing was said out of hand. But on the other hand I believe that it was a little too late to be on the phone with him.

Nigel said...

Well first off you should examine the origin of your guilt...though things seemed plutonic the conversation, from my understanding, seemed very intimate. Sharing of yourself w/ someone, whether it be physical or emotional, is a gift many people reserve...Why do you think she might be offended? Yes, the time is of this conversation might seem slightly suspect...
How did you guys end up speaking in the first place? Did you call him? Did he call you? Did she know you guys were speaking at all?
...You probably feel as if you are concealing something from her if not. Maybe thats the first thing you should attack.
Are you attracted to him...maybe now more than prior to the conversation?

This mole hill can quickly become a mountain if it isn't handled right. Consider her feelings, consider how you would feel if things were flipped...the things you might want to know to prevent the confusion...think about what it would be like to conceal it indefinitely...

Those are the only suggestions I can make that might make your conscience rest easy...

M3RLz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
M3RLz said...

DaRiddler - Thanks for your comment.

Nigel - Thanks for your comment. Here are some of the responses to your Qs:

She would be offended because there was a lot of sharing. We are both insomniacs so we were both replying to comments on facebook. He then asked if he could call me. I said he could since I knew it was because he didn't have a lot of people to interact with. We rarely speak to each other in person, so of course we didn't expect to even be talking that night. I am not attracted to him.

Maybe that's why I feel so guilty; if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd be very suspicious.

Creole1984 said...

Persoanlly, I dont think or feel any lines were crossed or that you did anything wrong. There are a number of reasons why you may be feeling guilty but one reason could be that if the shoe was on the other foot (even though you cleary did nothing wrong) you wouldnt want someone talking to your boyfriend at that length, at that time of the hour, and on a subject so strong. But whatever the reason for your guilt, you need to look inside and find a way to over come it because all i see that you did was have a converstation with another adult, which in today's society isnt so easy to do.

M3RLz said...

Creole1984 - Thanks for your comment. You are so right.

Chery said...

Yes the time did raise my eyebrow LOL... Those type of conversations are kinda special to be shared with either good friends, someone your interested in or with your significant other.

So I think maybe you were feeling guilty given the time, what you spoke of and with whom you spoke to. But I'm sure you did't mean anything by it, you were comfortable enough to share your feelings and had someone who shared similar feelings. Maybe subconsciously you felt too much of a connection and that's why you were feeling guilty...

I'm just taking stabs in the dark here. I definitely don't suggest you speak to him like that anymore though.

md20737 said...

Why do you all have each others number?

What made you all think it was ok to be phone boning 2am at night?

Why would your friend be mad if she found out?

Answers to these questions may lead to why you feel guilty about the conversation. I think this conversation may have been actually innocent. But I think things took a turn for you when you found out what kind of person he was outside of the relationship with your friend. And you probably liked his personality and may have felt disloyal to your friend. I think you just have to find out where you loyalty truly lies. I dont think you are slutting around but you know how women are so please pick a side so you dont get into trouble.

THE 78' MS. J said...

Well I certainly understand the guilt you might be feeling. After all it was your friends boyfriend and the conversation did take place during phone bone hours...so if you feel guilty then I think you should mention it to your friend but know that there will probably be a fall out you say that you aren't interested in this person but spending hours on the phone with him is most definitely a beginning and he mentioned his girlfriend so much because he felt the same guilt you felt immediately after you got off the phone.

This is how cheating starts it always starts with just two people reaching out to each other their relationship is rocky he just a good friend, then he confines in you more and more it has a snowball effect. That guilty feeling is that first red flag and it won't go away until you make things right even if your home girl might think you shady now...that's my opinion though if she is a really good friend then she needs to be told about the phone call because if it comes out in casual conversation and you didn't tell her then she will be looking at you like a home wrecker even more so...bottom line expect there to be some kind of repercussion off of this there is just no easy way around that.

M3RLz said...

Chery - TY for the comment. We're both insomniacs; that's why we were up so late. I think I was feeling guilty about he connection.

MD20737 - TY for the comment. He used her phone to call me. Phone boning? I've never heard that expression before but I get what you're saying. She would get mad because like you said, females are a trip!

THE 78' MS. J - TY for the comment. You too with that "phone boning"? lol You're right; that is how cheating starts but I am not interested in him like that.