April 20, 2010

It's 4/20 and I wish I was high...on life...on anything!

I've been so frustrated these last few weeks that it is causing me to not think rationally. Now I know why my little sister thinks I'm bi-polar. My moods fluctuate more than a hormonal pregnant woman. Although, on many good days, I've concluded that 2010 is just not my year.

Feels like I've been in physical pain every single day of this year. However, the pain didn't become problematic until I slammed my elbow onto my sister's iron bed frame 2 months ago. I understand I'll always be in pain for the rest of my life, but after 3 years, I'm fed up and want a do-over. In the new version of my life, I'm going to marry him, drop out of school, become a housewife, and be miserable for the rest of my life. Or better yet, I could go back 10 years and choose to give up even earlier in life. While I'm at it, why don't I go back 17 years, to junior high school, and drop out then; that's when life was really unbearable.

Fortunately for me, there aren't any do-overs; I don't get to purposely screw up my life. But on this very day, at this very moment, I know indefinitely that if I knew where I would be at 27 beforehand, I would have no choice but to give up in the sixth grade. What's the point of fighting and doing your best, when you constantly keep getting crappy cards in this game called life?

So I give up. No, seriously. I do.

If life is going to be miserable, why not take the easy route? Why not take your high school diploma -- no, bachelor's degree (and more than 3 medical certifications) and become a burger flipper? Why not settle for the first loser who showers you with love? Why not go against everything you know and love? It's all in vain, right?

Evidently, I can understand the people who live at home and never push themselves to do and be better. It seems pointless. Life is full of disappointments and the frustrations don't appear to be on the wane.

I do admire those people who keep striving for the best that life can offer them. However, I'm tired of being a disappointment; not to anyone else, but to myself. I'm my biggest enemy. So how do I deceive the one person who knows that every optimistic view I have and say is basically a lie? How do you distort the truth and promote a healthy state of mind?

I honestly have no idea!

So far, I just don't think about it. Well, I try not to. Every single health care provider I've had keeps telling me that ignoring it is unproductive and is why I am an insomniac, but I can't help it. Of course, I can't fall asleep until 6am and sometimes not at all, but I now have less headaches and am less susceptible to catching a cold or the flu. My life is mundane and the years, months, weeks, and days appear to be flying by, yet, I'm content.

After all, when you decide to settle, you can't complain when things aren't going your way...

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